The Seventh Principle of Relationships: Acceptance

‘The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.’

Thomas Merton

The Seventh Principle of Relationships is:

Accept others as they are, not just as you want them to be.

Acceptance means acknowledging others and valuing their right to be different to you. You should not expect others to edit themselves for you. Nor can you make others change unless they want to. You can, however, understand yourself better and choose your attitude. This is a lesson some people never learn.

Love and Fear

Ultimately every response you get from another person is born out of one of the primary emotions, love and fear.

Your capacity for giving and receiving love is directly related to how much love you have for yourself. The way you treat others is either fearful or loving. Love fosters relationships, fear does not. It distorts your thinking and erects barriers.

Everyone wants to love and be loved. If you encounter someone who is aggressive or shy, remember that they are fearful in some way. If someone is rude, it’s because they’re hurting. Ask yourself, ‘What are they afraid of?’ This simple question can help unlock many a difficult situation. Similarly, if you find yourself responding negatively to another person, ask yourself ‘What am I afraid of?’

Fear is at the root of every emotional problem and behind most problems in relationships. If you choose not to be guided by love, fear will take over. Hurt people hurt. No-one is unkind unless in pain. In relationships, love really does conquer all.

Co-dependent relationships

In co-dependent relationships, people think the love is genuine and unconditional, but in reality one or both are scared they could not survive without the other. Co-dependent relationships are born out of fear. They result from believing that:

  • Someone else is responsible for your feelings, including your happiness.
  • You are not separate individuals with your own identities and ambitions, but are merged into one.
  • Your problems are caused mainly by others.
  • You can control others by manipulating, ignoring, or threatening them, etc.

The roots of co-dependency are often to be found in childhood.

Co-dependency prevents individuals from taking responsibility for themselves. Real love in relationships can only exist when both partners are perfectly capable of being apart but make a free choice to be together. It is a decision made from strength, not weakness.

‘The biggest thing that keeps people from having the relationships they want is that they’re looking for a relationship to be the solution to their problems.’

 Anthony Robbins

 

©David Lawrence Preston, 5.8.2016

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The Real Secret

The Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction is simply stated as ‘whatever we focus our minds upon we attract into our lives.’ It has become popular – dare I say fashionable – as a result of a best-selling book, CD set and DVD called ‘The Secret’. But it’s nothing new. King Solomon, the Buddha and Socrates said the same, and in recent years, Deepak Chopra, Louise Hay, Barbara Mohr, Dr Wayne Dyer and many others have written about it.

‘The Secret’ promises, among other things, that you can ‘learn to have, do or be anything you want – eradicate disease, acquire massive wealth and achieve the impossible! Wow! And the amazing thing is, it works. The Law of Attraction is as precise as the laws of mathematics.

I first became aware of it in the mid 1980’s when I was invited to a talk on Napoleon Hill’s masterwork, ‘Think and Grow Rich.’ Before then I had been a habitual negative thinker without knowing what I was doing to myself. I had twice lost job (my employers were so unfair!), and been divorced (she was to blame, of course!). My health deteriorated until I suffered a complete breakdown (my parent’s fault for not loving me enough when I was a child, naturally!).

I decided to apply Napoleon Hill’s blueprint. I joined a Mastermind Group of people intent on making themselves rich. I diligently recited my affirmations every day but nothing much changed – except my level of frustration.

Now I realise that for everyone I know who say it has worked for them I know several others who say it hasn’t. This blog is about why.

What ‘The Secret’ says – or rather what people think it says

The first part of ‘The Secret’ claims that the Law of Attraction doesn’t discriminate between good or bad, it simply gives you what you think about. Therefore you can literally ‘think’ your desires into existence by choosing your thoughts. Just quieten your mind, ‘feel’ your desires coming true, and they will.

It makes no difference whether you were born into an impoverished background,  physically or mentally impaired, in a wealthy country or the Third World, received a first class education or none, nor whether you are talented, creative, intelligent or not. Just let the universe know exactly what you want.

  • Believe that it’s already yours. Let the universe take care of the details. The means to acquire will be shown to you.
  • Affirm, ‘Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours.’ (Mark 11:24) (Note – I have always been convinced that this passage is about spiritual gifts, not money.)

Good stuff! But then the next part goes on to urge the reader to use the Law of Attraction to become wealthy. The more you ask for, the more you’ll get. Why ask for $1? It’s as easy to manifest $1 million as $1!

So overwhelming is this message that you have to listen very carefully to pick up a subtle caveat – happiness will come only if your thoughts are accompanied by love. Miss that, and you easily get the impression that you will attract money like bees to a honey pot and be happy and contented ever after. Implication: money guarantees happiness.

Of course it’s not that simple.

What’s missing:

I think there are three main reasons why it doesn’t necessarily work in a holistic sense, to bring health, happiness and wellbeing:

First, our lives are not just shaped by our own thoughts. There are vibrations in space related to the underlying energy and intelligence that holds the universe together. Everything is in vibration; sound, light and thought are vibrations. There is thought-energy coming from the universe itself. There is thought-energy coming from our own minds and from other minds. We humans are part of all creation and cannot isolate ourselves.

Imagine tossing a pebble into a pond and watching the ripples. When two pebbles are tossed into a pond, two sets of ripples spread out. Where they intersect, they create a variety of patterns. Imagine tossing a third pebble into the pond. Now three sets of ripples intersect and create a pattern. Similarly with thought-waves. Where the three sets of thought waves intersect, a pattern is created. This is how your world is formed.

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So this is my first observation – it is not just my thoughts that create my life. It is the interaction between my thoughts and the sum total of every thought that is and has ever been thought throughout the entire universe!

The second reason relates to the nature of Creative Intelligence (CI), the source energy of the universe. It emits a constant wave of positive thought-energy including growth, creativity, peace, and life-affirming oneness. Imagine for a moment if CI were capable of thinking bad thoughts about creation – the universe would not be able to exist.

And this is the point. If we use the Law of Attraction for greedy and selfish gain we are going against Creative Intelligence. We become like a droplet of water trying to fight the ocean. We may get what we want, but, like King Midas, we will not enjoy it.

Selfish thoughts attract selfishness (ours and other people’s) and greed attracts greed and greedy people. When our thoughts do not align with the good, we feel dissatisfied and unhappy.

The third reason is much more practical. To manifest, thoughts must be backed up with action. Every action is preceded by an intention and a thought, and every thought is conditioned by our intentions, imagination, our actions and their results. I’ve written widely about the I-T-I-A Formula – intention, thought, imagination and action. We need all four to create the life we want.

So there we are. The Law of Attraction is powerful, but if used manipulatively it can bring great pain. And I have no doubt that somewhere in another dimension, Robert Maxwell, Howard Hughes, Idi Amin and Saddam Hussein are listening to my words and nodding in agreement! And one day maybe Donald Trump will too!

©David Lawrence Preston, 3.8.2016

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All You Need Is Love – Or Is It?

Giving and receiving love is a basic human need, but do we really understand what love is? The word is bandied about, often loosely. But it’s the ultimate ‘feel good’ emotion, from which all the others flow.

All human emotions ultimately boil down love and fear

Think about it: Why do you get angry? Because you’re afraid that something bad has happened or is about to happen.

Why do you worry or feel anxious? Same reason.Jealousy? Plainly fear of loss.

All ‘negative’ emotions are based on fear. If someone is unkind to you, they are hurting in some way, and hurt people tend to hurt others (often unintentionally). No-one is unkind unless he or she is suffering.

If someone attacks you or mistreats you, ask yourself, ‘What is this person afraid of?’ You’ll instantly see the situation differently.

Love and fear are two distinct states of being, two very different worlds of experience. Everything we do is motivated by one or the other.

Real love is not:

  1. Romantic love

‘Falling in love’ is an intense emotional experience mainly driven by our sex hormones. It can’t last. The object of romantic ‘love’ is a fantasy, not the person as they really are.

Real love is more than physical attraction or infatuation, and it’s not reserved for just one special person.

What starts as romantic love usually fades as the early passion is lost; or it develops into something else, such as a deep friendship, compassion or (ideally) unconditional love.

  1. Co-dependent

Co-dependent love is characterised by the words, ‘I need you’. The parties feel as if they wouldn’t be able to cope if their loved one were out of their lives. Co-dependent love can become jealous, possessive, controlling and ultimately stifling.

  1. Conditional love

Conditional love is characterised by, ‘I love you because…’ or ‘I’ll love you if…’ It lasts only as long as one or both continue to fulfill the other’s expectations.

It is often used as a form of manipulation, control, or emotional blackmail.

Unconditional love

Genuine love is unconditional: is a deep-seated desire to foster the happiness, prosperity, personal and spiritual growth of another. There are no prerequisites, and no thought for one’s own benefit. No reciprocation is called for or required.

Unconditional love is a powerful force for change. One loves and accepts the other exactly as they are (you don’t try to change what you unconditionally love). If one is with another person, it’s from choice, not need – you’re perfectly capable of surviving on your own.

A passage from the Bible describes this kind of love perfectly:

‘Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offence, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other peoples’ sins and delights in truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, to endure whatever comes.

1 Corinthians 13, 4-7

Just before his tragic death in 1980, 13 years after he wrote the well known Beatles song,  John Lennon was asked if he still believed that all we need is love. The older, wised Lennon replied:

‘I still believe all you need is love, but I don’t believe that just saying it will do. But I still believe that love is what we all need.’

Sentiments with which this author absolutely agrees!

©David Lawrence Preston, 4.6.2016

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Parenting – the most important job

Raising children is the most important job we take on, but most of us are ill prepared for this important role. There are no college courses and no degrees in parenting, it’s a trial and error process, so what can we do to ensure that we are bringing up our children to be the happiest, healthiest and most successful they can be? Is there a simple rule that ensures that everything we do is in our children’s best interests?

I believe there is. Place self-esteem at the heart of our parenting practices and we won’t go far wrong. Probably the most important thing parents can do for their children is to help them build their self-esteem.

Be the best you can be

Children model themselves on parent figures and learn best by example. If you don’t value yourself, then you are incapable of teaching your children how to feel good about themselves. So if you don’t have a high sense of self-worth, lack confidence and don’t relate well to other people, work on yourself. Don’t just tell them how to behave, show them. Be the example they need. High self-esteem is not hereditary, it is learned, but it can only be learned from parents who have a solid sense of their own self-worth.

The greatest gift you can give to your children is a happy and stable family life surrounded by people who love and respect themselves and each other. Children who grow up in such an environment are likely to create a happy family life of their own when they become parents.

Demonstrate your love

Years ago it was believed that all that was required of a parent was to shelter, feed and clothe their children and teach them to conform to society’s norms. But there is much more to good parenting than this.

Psychological ‘food’ is just as important as ‘physical’ food. Children need love, security, attention and approval, given freely in ways they can understand. So show them how much you appreciate them. Tell them you love them. Let them feel wanted – for instance, by lots of physical contact. Cuddles are essential for a child’s well-being, they make them feel safe and help build their character.

Spend time with your children

There’s a lot of nonsense spoken on this subject. Some parents convince themselves that devoting a few minutes of so-called ‘quality time’ to their children each day is sufficient and compensates for not spending much time with them in total. But the truth is very different. Parents who ration the time spent with their children are actually harming them. Just being there and listening to them talk about the issues in their lives (however trivial they seem to you) is a practical demonstration of how much you care. And if they’re open about the little things that concern them, they’re more likely to open up about the big things too.

In a recent study a group of parents claimed to give their children an average of an hour’s attention a day, but video recordings revealed that the average undivided attention was actually less than ten minutes. This is the same as telling your children, ‘You’re not that important to me; other things are more worthy of my time.’

Children hunger for attention; it is much crueller to ignore them than to criticise them. Any attention is better than none; they’ll find ways of getting noticed even if this means being disruptive. Better to be punished than ignored! Lack of attention is at the root of much juvenile delinquency, drug taking and crime.

Spend time doing things together. Help them, but don’t take over. The aim is for them to learn to do it for themselves.

Watch what you say and how you say it

How you talk to your children matters – both what you say and how you say it.

Many parents are unaware of the hidden meanings communicated through their tone of voice, facial expression and body language. Research suggests that 90% of what parents say to young children is negative or indifferent – that’s nine clumsy or careless remarks for every positive one. What’s worse is that the most damaging remarks are often made when the parent is tired, frustrated or angry, and a few careless words taken to heart by a small child can have lasting repercussions.

Never say anything belittling to a child. You cannot know the damage this causes.

Avoid:

  • Disparaging remarks.
  • Sarcasm. Children don’t understand it, are confused and unsettled by it.
  • Lying. Children find it hard to understand why adults tell them not to lie and then lie themselves.
  • Hypocrisy; for example, telling your child not to speak badly of others while doing it yourself.
  • Labelling. Children who are constantly told they are stupid, ugly, naughty, forgetful and so on grow up believing it. Young children don’t have the same ability to reason as adults, they simply take it all on board.
  • Comparisons – ‘Why aren’t you as good as Johnny?’ is more likely to result in your child hating Johnny than trying to emulate him.

Discipline

Of course children need boundaries and discipline, especially if they behave really badly. Even the best behaved children need to be told off sometimes.

When a telling-off is necessary, the golden rule is to comment on their behaviour, not their character. Comments like, ‘You clumsy idiot’ destroy self-esteem, while skilfully pointing out what they have done wrong and how they can do better can be encouraging and reassuring as long as children keep their dignity while learning to correct their mistakes.

If the offence is serious, there’s no harm in isolating them for a short time – sending to their room for instance. This gives them an opportunity to cool off and reflect on what they’ve done.

Give praise – but only if genuine

When children behave well, a few words of praise, a smile and hug reinforce good behaviour and do wonders for their self-esteem. But don’t be drawn into bribing them. Good behaviour is better taught than bought.

However, excessive praise can be just as damaging as no praise at all. Children are not stupid. They recognise empty words, and this can result in them quitting altogether.

Avoid unwarranted praise

Unwarranted praise can backfire. It can give the impression that modest effort and mediocrity suffice. The child may stop trying or conclude that nothing better can be expected from him or her.

We all want our children to do their best, but praising a child for trying irrespective of the outcome teaches that results don’t matter. They need to learn that life doesn’t reward the good try; only the winner gets the gold medal. It’s a rare boss who tolerates an incompetent employee who lamely says, ‘But I did my best.’ So when they have not reached the required standard, say, ‘I’m proud of you for trying, but we both know you can do better next time.’

Praise does not teach

In one study, children used to excessive praise went to pieces when given honest feedback, and were less innovative than their contemporaries. These children tended to work for praise as an end in itself rather than the satisfaction of achievement and were less likely to become self-motivated, independent learners.

Constant praise lacks credibility. If everything your child does is ‘fantastic’ then nothing is truly special and he or she doesn’t learn to distinguish the excellent from the commonplace.  But when parents and teachers have high standards, a well-earned ‘Well done!’ gives the child a real sense of accomplishment.

Help children to set goals

Realistic, challenging goals provide powerful motivation, but only if the child takes ownership. So help them to choose their own goals and show them how to break them down into manageable steps and tackle them in the right order. Provide plenty of encouragement and reward them when significant milestones are achieved. But don’t over-pressurise or chastise. Children respond best to loving support, not verbal abuse.

Teach them to be their own parents

Allow your children to grow up, but don’t force it. Gradually give them more responsibility, for example, by encouraging them to help at home and do more for themselves. Make them accountable for their actions by experiencing the consequences. For example, if they spill something, make them clean it up; let them help prepare their own food; make them apologise if they wrong another.

Don’t over protect them. Sheltered children rarely cope well with life as adults. Yes, there are risks in allowing a child to go to the shops alone or play in the local park, but these are usually small compared to the benefits which a little independence can bring.

When the time comes, let them go

The ultimate goal of a parent is to build their children’s self-esteem and teach them to stand on their own two feet; to encourage them to become happy, competent and contributing members of society. All parents know that one day their children will grow up and leave the nest. When they are ready, let them go and celebrate. Your job is done.

©David Lawrence Preston, 16.5.2016

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Intimate relationships

Intimate relationships

Most people cherish a close, loving relationship with another person. You may think these ‘just happen’, when you meet the right person, but this is rare. Intimate relationships have to be worked at.

Why? because they’re a minefield! There’s so much that can go wrong, and when they do it’s not just the couple involved but potentially a wider family network including children.

 

Apt door

All relationships involve meeting each others’ needs. If you want a relationship with another person to succeed, you must approach it with the attitude of putting something in rather than getting something out.

Let’s take a look at what these needs are, and what we can do to improve our intimate relationships:

Openness: being open to others, sharing feelings, speaking honestly and being willing to listen.

Communication: Poor communication is the number one reason why relationships fail. Your partner can’t read your mind, so if you don’t express yourself well, how will he or she know how you feel?

Often when someone thinks their partner doesn’t love them any more, it turns out that they do love each other: they’re just not communicating their love in a way the other person best understands. Everyone has their preferred way of giving and receiving love; one of the secrets of a building a lasting, loving relationship is to discover each other’s preferred mode.

  • Visual people need to be shown that they are loved, though those subtle looks and glances exchanged, and by being ‘shown a good time’.
  • Auditory individuals only feel totally loved if they are told often and in the right way (tone of voice, inflection etc.).
  • Kinesthetic types need to be touched in the right way. Only lots of hugs and kisses make them feel deeply loved. Words don’t mean much to them and may be perceived as ‘empty’ unless backed up with action.

If you feel you need to communicate more, why not have a regular evening out, just to talk? Or take regular walks together?

Attention: a basic human need. Many people who have been together a long time stop paying sufficient attention to each other. They’re no longer fully present with each other and the relationship becomes stale.

Appreciation is another basic human need. How often do you express genuine affection and appreciation for your partner, without being prompted? How often do they do the same for you?

Take every opportunity to pay a casual compliment and make spontaneous gestures that say, ‘I care’ and ‘I love you’. Love is not to be taken for granted!

Accentuate the similarities: It’s widely believed that opposites attract. It’s true for the poles of a magnet, but not for human beings, at least in the long term. True, the differences may once have been exciting, but often this is because one or both were looking for the other person to make up for something missing in their own personality.

Studies show that people with vastly different personalities are less likely to stay together. Sooner or later the incompatibilities come to the surface. Some couples overcome them – but most don’t.

Shared values: You can never feel totally happy and fulfilled unless you’re living by your values, so if you’re contemplating a long term relationship, make sure your core values are broadly consistent with each other’s. Obviously, the ideal is to learn and grow together, but without a common vision and shared values it could be an uphill struggle!

Commitment: provides the strength to persevere when things don’t go well. It implies that ‘forever’ really means ‘for ever’. Nowadays some often widely publicised marriages are entered into with ‘get-out clauses’ which make financial provisions in case it breaks down. All too often, these arrangements turn out to be necessary – evidence perhaps that the commitment was never really there?

Loyalty and trust: provide the sense of security and support that are essential in all intimate relationships. Without them, neither party will feel that it is safe to allow intimacy to develop. Always keep your promises to each other.

Respect for each other’s individuality: In the most rewarding relationships, both parties commit without sacrificing their individuality or personal freedom. That’s what Kahlil Gibran meant when he wrote in ‘The Prophet’, ‘Let there be spaces in your togetherness.’

Teamwork: working with and for each other and taking important decisions together. The two most common areas of disagreement in long-term relationships are money and child-rearing.

 Acceptance of change: Change is inevitable. A typical family unit, for instance, goes through a cycle. At first, the couple has only each other to think about. Then children come along, grow up and leave home. There are financial issues to deal with, changing responsibilities at work, moving home and so on. Then they have to cope with ageing, retirement and sickness. Each affects the relationship in some way.

If you realise at the outset that change is inevitable, accept and go with it, the relationship is more likely to survive.

Enjoyment: a must. It’s good for you. In lasting relationships, a shared history of memories, private jokes, code words and rituals builds up, which add to the feeling of togetherness.

These are just a few ideas about close relationships, borne of painful experience!

©David Lawrence Preston, 19.4.2016

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The Essence of Spirituality

It’s often said that we are not human beings having spiritual experiences, but spiritual beings having human experiences. This is a life-changing idea; once we grasp it, nothing ever seems the same again.

Spirituality has little to organised religion, although followers of organised religion usually think it does. It is not about adopting a structured system of somebody else’s thoughts, but experiencing things for ourselves. We can all learn from the great teachers, but unyielding doctrine and fanciful fairy tales are barriers to realising our spiritual nature.

‘Spiritual’ simply means ‘non-physical’. Our spiritual self is therefore our non-physical self – our ideas, imagination, intelligence, intuition, creativity and so on.

We are all in essence non-physical beings. Our bodies are 99.999% nothingness. The atoms of which we are made are composed of subatomic particles held together by energy and shaped by information. The ‘seen’ is therefore dependent on the ‘unseen’ for its existence.

Theologians argue long and hard about what this ‘unseen’ something is and nations go to war over their conclusions – and yet 90% of religions’ teachings are the same. Imagine if Yeshua of Nazareth, Prophet Mohammed, Guru Nanek, the Buddha, Lau Tsu, Moses and the Rishis who wrote the Upanishads and Bhagavad Gita entered a discussion on the nature of reality, chaired by Albert Einstein. They would 90% agree!

There is only one Truth. Let’s put old dogmas to one side and search for it together. Let’s concentrate on what unites rather than divides us.

Today’s top physicists tell us that the universe is underpinned by a universal field of energy and information, the Zero Point Field. Could this be the ‘unseen’ Creative Intelligence that spiritual masters have referred to down the centuries? I believe that it is, because it shares many of the characteristics that religious people attribute to G_d: omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent – bountiful, the source of all.

However, unlike religious people, the Zero Point Field has no race or gender, does not discriminate and does not intervene directly in events except to lay down and give effect to universal law.

No practical spirituality can avoid an understanding of human psychology, especially the workings of the mind. And this is where we come in. Thought is creative power. We co-create our reality with this Creative Intelligence through our thoughts, ideas, beliefs, words, and actions. These shape our experience of the world. We are not passive reactors to a G_d-like force beyond our influence – we can learn how to create the best possible lives for ourselves.

We strengthen our connection to Creative Intelligence by prayer and meditation. All major spiritual traditions teach the benefits of silence, stillness and solitude. But prayer that pleads with some ‘higher power’ to intervene on our behalf is futile – truly spiritual people are not praying beggars, they appreciate that the prime purpose of prayer is to change the person who prays.

We are all inter-connected. There is not separation between us except in our minds, because we are all part of the same universal field. We share our very atoms. What affects one affects all; what affects all affects every one of us.

How do we express all this in our daily lives? Through experiencing and demonstrating love – but not the shallow, glossy ‘love’ flaunted in popular culture. Human love is a pale shadow of universal love, tainted as it is by vanity and emotion.

We must do more than learn about spirituality – we must live it!

©David Lawrence Preston, 15.4.2016

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