The Law of Reciprocity IS the Golden Rule

The Law of Reciprocity is the Golden Rule. It is usually stated as: ‘Treat everyone as you like to be treated.’ However this is not quite right. Others have their own values and preferences that you may not share. They may not want to be treated the same. Therefore the Law of Reciprocity is better expressed as:

Treat everyone as they would like to be treated.’

Of course most people like to feel accepted, approved of, respected, listened to and appreciated. This is common to all.

Compassion

 ‘How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong; because someday in your life, you will have been all of these.’

George Washington Carver

Compassion should be at the core of all our speech and action. Imagine what the world would be like if everybody were more compassionate? How many global problems could be solved? When we show compassion to others, we benefit everyone including ourselves.  Studies show that when a person is a recipient of a kind act, seretonin (the neurotransmitter that promotes a good feeling in the brain) is stimulated and the immune system strengthened. The same is true for the person who acts kindly. Even observing an act of kindness has the same effect.

A few kind words cost nothing yet are worth so much to both recipient and giver.

We are all aware of what hurts and what heals. Think about what you say before you open your mouth. If you’re tempted to speak to someone unkindly, think about how you would feel if someone said that to you.

The Law of Reciprocity reminds us that we get back what we give out. Thoughts create effects which rebound, and so do words and actions. If you want more friends, be friendlier; if more love, be more loving; if more happiness, help others to be happy. Every time you meet another’s needs, you meet needs of your own and feel better about yourself.

 

©David Lawrence Preston, 5.12.2016

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Accept others as they are

Perhaps the biggest mistake we make in relationships is wishing other people were different and trying to change them. This leads only to resistance and resentment on both sides. They’re not going to change for you unless they want to.

Accept people as they are. Be happy for others to be themselves. Few will measure up to your ideals – and why should they? Do you always measure up to theirs?

You can’t change others because you are not in charge of their thoughts. You can influence them perhaps, but they have their own thoughts and they are not yours to control. Whose business is it anyway?

Everyone you meet has something to teach you

Welcome everyone into your life. They all have something to teach you. Sometimes you only realise what you’ve learned with hindsight. Usually you learn most about yourself, but not necessarily; it could also be about another person, other people or life in general.

Seek to empower others

Seek to empower others. Help them to fulfill their aspirations, even if they are not what you would choose. You’ll find all your relationships improving. Everyone is drawn to people who want for them what they want for themselves.

©David Lawrence Preston 7.12.2016

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Live your truth and don’t be a DOPE!

Others love you the most when you live your truth. You’re on your own path, chosen and shaped by your situation, your environment, talents, skills, attitudes, aptitudes and interests. Others have theirs which determine the path they take. Comparing your path with someone else’s is pointless, like comparing apples with oranges; both are fruits, but with different qualities.

The only meaningful comparison is who you have become compared with how you used to be, in other words, how much progress you have made on your spiritual journey.

Don’t be a DOPE

Most of us are easily influenced by those around us. We find ourselves thinking and talking as they do and edit ourselves to win their approval. Consequently we start behaving like them too. We become a DOPE – Driven by Other People’s Expectations.

Examine your motivations and start thinking for yourself. What others say is rarely the issue unless they’ve trying to help and have something useful to contribute. They don’t know what’s best for you, and you shouldn’t expect them to.

Trust in your own assessment of what is right and true and make your own choices.  If others try to put you off, do it anyway.

 

©David Lawrence Preston, 7.12.2016

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The Troublesome Ego

Is a powerful ego a good thing? Or does it just describe someone who thinks too much of themselves?

Ego is Latin for ‘I’. It is the self as a thinking, feeling and self-determining being, distinguished from the selves of others. Fair enough, but in everyday use, it is often considered rather distasteful. When we say someone has a big ego, we mean they think too much of themselves. It is associated with selfishness, arrogance, insensitivity and conceit.

But this is much too narrow a use of the term. While many spiritual traditions think of the ego as a source of restless discontent, psychotherapists of the Western tradition regard a strong ego as highly desirable. It brings confidence, inner strength and charisma. Without a strong ego, the argument goes, the conscious mind is incapable of controlling destructive unconscious urges, causing dysfunctional behaviours which lead to failure and frustration. Or worse.

The functioning ego

So which is it? Is a powerful ego a good thing? Well, of course, it depends on how the term is used. In Freud’s structural model of the psyche, the ‘ego’ is one of the three parts of the psychic apparatus whose activity and interactions describe our mental life. It is the conscious, thinking, organized part, like a responsible adult countering the ‘id’s’ irrational, childish impulses. It helps us make sense of the world around us, enabling us to make sound judgements, reason and apply common sense. It also enables us to fend off the critical ‘super-ego’, the wagging finger or conscience which, if unchecked, punishes us with feelings of guilt, anxiety and inferiority.

Clearly a strong ego is essential for dealing with the world. We need high self-esteem and a robust sense of self to pursue our goals and where necessary fight our corner. We need to be conscious of our self-talk and beliefs, develop emotional intelligence and cultivate interpersonal skills. We need to let go of self-doubt, embrace delayed gratification (the id hates this) and deal with destructive self-criticism (the super-ego resists any attempt at this).

Consequently there are thousands of self-help books (I’ve written a few myself), courses and support groups, and for those judged to have a clinical need, counsellors, therapists, medication and so on. But ultimately it’s a do it yourself job – seeking help from others and gathering know-how is fine, but it only works if we apply it.

The ‘spiritual’ ego

In spiritual parlance, the ego is a state of consciousness in which we view ourselves as separate from everything and everybody else. Sometimes referred to as the ‘Lower Self’ (contrasting with a higher state of consciousness in which we are all are part of the same Oneness), the obliteration of the ego is said to lead to absorption in a larger, ineffable reality.

Of course we are not really separate. Not only are we linked psychically, but also at a quantum level. The waves and particles that form our bodies are intimately linked at an energy and information level, but we can imagine and believe we are separate. Then all kinds of ‘unspiritual’ behaviours ensue:

  • We believe we have to compete for status, attention, success and respect.
  • We make comparisons between ourselves and others, what is ours and what is not.
  • We have a need to be right and take pleasure in proving others wrong.
  • We jealously safeguard our reputation, because we think this is who we are.
  • We can be jealous, judgemental, boastful, mean, hateful – and, at the extreme, narcissistic.

Even thinking of ourselves as spiritual can be an ego trap if we think this makes us better than anyone else!

Consequently many spiritual traditions teach that egolessness is the key to happiness and inner peace. They offer tools for dissolving the ego, disputing its ‘false’ ideas and letting them go. Prayer, meditation, chanting, therapy and encounter groups often feature. Evenso in all of history probably only a handful of spiritual masters have achieved it. But we can move in that direction by making some radical adjustments to our thinking:

  1. Drop the idea that we are separate from the rest of existence. We’re not.
  2. Nor are we any better or worse, more important or less, than anyone else.
  3. Give up the need to be right, whether or not we are actually right (which is often a moot point). In the greater scheme of things, we are all one, so does it really matter who is right, or who ‘wins’?
  4. Stop judging. Of course, some judgements are necessary, for instance judging speed, distance and direction when driving. But there are other less helpful kinds of judgements: judging what is good or bad, better, worse, right, wrong, and so on.
  5. Get away from ‘what’s in it for me’ – the mantra of the ego.
  6. Drop the need for approval. Ego-dominated people feed off others’ approval and, being preoccupied with their reputation, easily take offence.
  7. Let go of jealousy, that most destructive of emotions. Jealousy is born of the ego’s fear that others’ achievements somehow diminish us. It fails to recognise that one person’s success can benefit all.

Again, making these changes is a do it yourself job – only one person can change your thinking, the person that looks back at you from your bathroom mirror every morning!

Is ego good or bad?

To return to the question, is a strong ego helpful or unhelpful in navigating our way through life?

Ironically, while a strong functioning ego brings many benefits in the material world, many have found it does not necessarily bring lasting happiness and inner peace. This is because outward confidence and ‘success’ are not necessarily reflected in our private thoughts and feelings during those quiet, contemplative moments.

Moreover, all the great spiritual masters past and present had (or have) ego qualities such as charisma, persuasiveness and determination in abundance, while also exhibiting humility, selflessness, forgiveness and simplicity. And here’s the first secret of marrying the two strands – detachment. Set your goal. Give it your best shot. Enjoy the journey. Then detach from the outcome (ego loves attachments).

We attach ourselves to things which appear solid, but this is illusory since in time everything material deteriorates or loses its appeal. We also attach to dysfunctional mental and emotional states – hurts, grudges, anger, anxieties and jealousy etc. Detach from these and they no longer have any control over us, and we find peace. This is the first secret.

The second secret isn’t really a secret at all – love. When we’re thinking, feeling, speaking and acting from a consciousness of pure love, the selfish ego retreats, fear and greed dissolve and we become a channel for all the good that flows through the universe. That’s the true fulfillment of our purpose.

 

Copyright David Lawrence Preston, 8.8.2016

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The Eighth Principle of Relationships

The eighth principle is:

Work on yourself. Become a better person, and all your relationships will improve.

The place to start if you want to improve your relationships is with yourself – improving your confidence and self-image, challenging harmful beliefs and learning new listening and communication skills. Cultivate an open, positive attitude to all your relationships.

If you are willing to change, to grow, to work on yourself and become more loving, tolerant and accepting of others, all your relationships will improve.

  • Make this your intention.
  • Examine your thinking; change your self-talk and beliefs.
  • Use your creative imagination to imprint the changes you wish to make on your subconscious.
  • Practise new behaviours, starting with those you find easiest to change, then move on to the more difficult areas. If these changes feel uncomfortable – which change usually does – feel the fear and do it any way.

Nearly everybody wants great relationships with the people around them. Become the kind of person others like being with, and people will gravitate towards you.

‘How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong; because someday in your life, you will have been all of these.’

 George Washington Carver

 

©David Lawrence Preston, 24.6.2016

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Conditions of worth

Although the relationship you have with yourself is the most important, you also have to deal with the demands others place on you.

We are put under tremendous pressure in society to conform to attitudes and behaviour patterns which are not necessarily of our choosing, especially children. They assess their self-worth mainly by how others respond to them.

Some adults are very demanding and/or controlling. They judge their sons and daughters by some imaginary ideal that is not realistic, or (sometimes loudly and continually) compare them to other children. The result is children who feel defective and unloved, and who believes they are rejected by those they need and respect the most.

Self-esteem

You can easily determine a person’s level of self-esteem by the way they relate to others. People with low self-esteem often:-

  • Crave recognition and approval from others
  • Compare themselves unfavourably with others
  • Are daunted by others’ success
  • Are unable to speak up for themselves
  • Apologise a lot
  • Are easily upset by criticism
  • Are always criticising or blaming others
  • Have a boastful, rude or bullying nature as a defence
  • Gossip
  • Are excessively over-generous
  • Are unable to accept a compliment
  • Have a tendency to seek out others who have low self-esteem

Conditions of Worth

The criteria used by one person to gauge the ‘acceptability’ of another are called ‘Conditions of Worth’. The main ones are:

  • Physical appearance
  • Intelligence
  • Mode of speech
  • Performance
  • Money and possessions

When you were young, you were probably very concerned about what people thought of you. Children, of course, can be especially cruel. Have you ever heard schoolchildren mercilessly teasing a classmate who is overweight, has red hair or wears glasses? Or whose parents can’t afford the ‘right’ brand of clothing and footwear? How do you think the ‘victims’ feel? What does it do to their self-esteem?

Be your own person

No matter what has happened to you in the past, you can take responsibility for your thoughts and actions and evaluate yourself by your own criteria. Remember, you can’t change or control other people, but you can take charge of yourself. As Mahatma Gandhi said, ‘No-one can take away our self-esteem unless we give it to them.’

Naturally we all prefer to be liked and respected, but if we allow this to rule our lives, we’re giving away our personal power. Of course, there is nothing wrong enjoying a compliment, but it becomes a serious problem if our need for approval governs all our actions. What counts is self-approval – the conviction that we are valuable come what may.

Comparisons

Start by shunning comparisons. Avoid comparing yourself with others. You’ll always find people who are better than you at some things, and people who are worse. That’s the way it is.

The uncomfortable fact is that people treat you exactly the way you teach them to. You get back what you give out, so if you want to be treated differently, learn to give out different messages.

From now on, instead of pandering to others, give most value to what you think of yourself.

©David Lawrence Preston, 1.8.2016

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The First Principle of Relationships

The first (and overriding) principle of relationships is this:

Every relationship involves a mutual fulfilling of needs

If you fulfill someone else’s needs, they want to maintain and deepen your relationship. If you don’t, they’ll avoid you or minimise their contact with you.

Think about it – do you like spending time with people who take without giving much in return? To put it another way, if you make someone feel good because they perceive the ‘pleasure’ they get from you as greater than the ‘cost’ and effort involved, and those feelings are mutual, then the relationship flourishes.

The pleasure or rewards can be physical (e.g. practical help and support etc.) or emotional (attention, affection, companionship, moral support, appreciation and so on).

We consciously or unconsciously balance the rewards against the effort we have to make to maintain the relationship – time, energy, inconvenience, etc. There may also be a cost in terms of lost opportunities to do other things with our time.

If you think this sounds cold and calculating, think about your own situation. Are there people you would rather avoid because they don’t give you what you need? Or whom you tolerate because the advantages of maintaining the relationship compensate for the inconveniences?

We wonder why people with ‘difficult’ partners put up with it. The answer is – the risks in leaving are perceived to be greater than the pain of staying put. They’re unhappy, but either too scared or not unhappy enough to do anything about it.

Self-love

Your prime relationship is your relationship with yourself. This is the platform from which all your other relationships arise. You cannot expect anyone else to love or like you much if you don’t love or like yourself.

Like attracts like

In relationships, like attracts like. People with low self-esteem usually seek out and attract others who are similarly afflicted; people with higher self-esteem scare them or are simply not attracted to them.

This is why some women attract selfish, inconsiderate, even cruel partners who are genuinely incapable of giving them what they want – but they don’t believe deep down that they can attract anyone better. Psychotherapists’ appointment diaries are full of such people.

People with low self-esteem often regard any relationship as better than none. They believe they have no choice.

Without self-love, it’s common to find a substitute – food, sex, money, drugs, sympathy, work, etc. All self-love substitutes are highly addictive; and like any addiction, as time passes you need increasing amounts to achieve the same level gratification. Ultimately, the only way to cure your addiction is to cultivate the real thing, but you can’t get it from other people – it can only come from inside.

Your attitude to yourself is like a pair of coloured spectacles through which you view everyone (and everything) else.

It lies at the root of your health, happiness and success.

 

©David Lawrence Preston, 1.8.2016

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Self-esteem is happiness and success

Self-esteem is happiness, success and a whole lot besides. It governs your behaviour in every area of your life and without it you’ll almost certainly underachieve.

Self-esteem is the experience of feeling that you’re worthy of happiness and capable dealing with life. It’s a combination of self-confidence (beliefs about your capabilities) and self-respect (beliefs about your value and worthiness). It’s closely related to your self-image – the way you see yourself – and is absolutely fundamental to everything you do.

For example:

  • People with low self-esteem always underachieve. A poor self-image effectively places a glass ceiling on your achievements.
  • It’s also at the root of many health and psychological issues such as weight problems and most eating disorders.
  •  Much crime is caused by drugs, unemployment and/or poverty – all heavily influenced by low self-esteem.
  •  People with low self-esteem usually have problems in their relationships and social lives. Their constant need for reassurance can impose an intolerable strain on any relationship.
  •  It’s the fundamental cause of most marriage breakdown, parent-child friction and sexual problems.
  •  If you feel good about yourself, you are more willing to try new things and meet new people. You’re also more likely to be successful in competitive activities such as sport.
  •  If you have high self-esteem, you’re more likely to be interested in self-development because you know you’re worth it.

Your self-esteem is made up of three core sets of beliefs and feelings about yourself:

  1. The value you place on yourself; your feelings of self-worth. Key words: ‘I deserve’;
  1. Your beliefs about your ability to cope with life’s challenges, solve problems and think for yourself; your feelings of competence. Key words: ‘I can’;
  1. Your beliefs about the way you fit into society and relate to others. Key words: ‘I belong’ and ‘I am accepted’.

How you feel about yourself varies from day to day, hour to hour and situation to situation. You may be confident at work, but not in social settings; you may regard yourself as a kind and loving person, but hate your body. And so on.

Your self-image covers:

  •  Your physical make-up: health, fitness and appearance.
  •  Your emotional nature, e.g. are you a loving person, caring and considerate, or beset with anger, worry, guilt or fear?
  •  Your intellectual make-up: your knowledge, qualifications, skills and intelligence.
  •  Your social standing: beliefs about what other people think of you and whether you feel comfortable in social situations.

You are probably more deserving and more capable than you think. Remember, most of us only ever use 5-10% of our abilities – perhaps less. This means that over 90% of your talents waiting to be discovered and used. Isn’t that exciting!

How your self-esteem was formed

Your self-esteem was more or less established by the time you reached eight or nine years old. By then, the average child has already received over one hundred thousand negative injunctions from adult authority figures. The accumulated effect over many years can be very destructive.

Here are some examples from my own observations:

  •  A seven year-old girl is struggling to keep up with Mum on the way to school. ‘Come on. Hurry up,’ says Mum. ‘Mum’s cross with me,’ she thinks, ‘I’m not good enough.’
  •  A twelve year-old boy volunteers to take over the drum stool in a school concert at the last minute. During the rehearsal, he misses a beat. ‘I thought we had an intelligent drummer,’ sneers the teacher. (Sarcasm is very damaging to children; they take most things adults say literally.)
  •  As a girl, Diane was repeatedly told that ‘overeating runs in the family’. By the age of thirty, she is three stone overweight. On a similar theme, John, an obese 52 year-old, has a compulsion to eat everything put in front of him because, as a boy, he wasn’t allowed to leave the table until he’d cleared his plate.
  •  A small girl picks up a bag of sweets in a supermarket and asks her Mum if he can have them. ‘No you can’t’ comes the reply. ‘They’ll make your teeth drop out and you’ll be even uglier than you are now.’

Incidents such as these cause leave a child emotionally scarred for many years.

Sadly, many people go through life believing that they are unable to overcome their conditioning, but it is simply not true. Many happy and successful people suffered as children. In most cases, it they simply decided not to let it hold them back.

Without high self-esteem you’ll always feel as if someone else is in control of your life, but the exciting thing is, no matter what your background or your current level of self-esteem, you can improve. Big improvements can be made in as little as 3-6 months.

Forgive your parents

Whatever your childhood experiences, commit yourself to the first two steps to higher self-esteem:

1. Decide to do something about it.

2. Forgive your parents.

Forgiving your parents is one of the most liberating things you can do. Continuing to blame them for your lack of self-esteem prevents you from developing a healthy, adult relationship with them. After all, they were products of their own conditioning, and they probably did the best they knew how, struggling to raise you whilst coping with all the other pressures of life.

Whether they deserve to be forgiven or not is not the point. You’re only hurting yourself by hanging on to all that ‘stuff’. You owe it to yourself to be free of all the resentment and bitterness you’ve been carrying.

Remember, it is not the people, events and circumstances in your past that determine your confidence and self-esteem, but your beliefs about those people and events.

 

©David Lawrence Preston, 30 7.2016

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And Finally…

‘There is no death, only

a change of worlds.’

Chief Seattle

You can only have real peace of mind when you come to terms with the last great taboo – death. Only then can you be fully in tune with life.

What happens when we die? Does life continue beyond the grave? Is the quality of our future life or lives related to the quality of our life here? We’ll never know for sure. We have to find  an answer with which we feel completely comfortable for ourselves.

Either life goes on beyond the grave, or it doesn’t. In either case, the implications are mind blowing!

If you believe that you will cease to exist when you die – fine, have a good life! But reflect for a moment. Doesn’t this belief render life somewhat meaningless? What’s the point if you simply cease to exist when your time is up? Can we lightly dismiss the possibility that there may be more to come once this life is over?

My logoGo forth and prosper!

When you know that you are formed of consciousness living in a temporary body, you no longer fear death. Physicists tells us that consciousness cannot die.

You may not know it, but you have everything you need to make your life an endless bounty of health, happiness, prosperity and peace and help others to do the same. Seek it, welcome it, find it. Then go and apply it.

 ©David Lawrence Preston, 19.7.2016

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How to be more assertive

Even if you’ve never considered yourself a particularly assertive person, mastering a few basic techniques can help you to develop this essential skill. Start with small steps and stretch yourself a little more each day as your confidence grows.

The basic rules are:

  1.  Choose your outcomes. Decide what you want after consider the consequences.
  2.  Adopt assertive non-verbals.
  3.  Be specific.
  4.  If appropriate, describe the behaviour you find upsetting.
  5.  Say how this affects you.
  6.  Say what you would like to happen next.
  7.  Be willing to compromise. Assertive people recognise that others have legitimate rights and needs, and try to accommodate them if acceptable to both.
  8.  Integrity: A reputation for untruthfulness is a major handicap in all relationships.
  9.  Mental rehearsal: If you find certain situations difficult, mentally rehearse them in advance.

Assertive non-verbals

No less than 93% of what you communicate to another person is by your voice quality and tone and body language/non-verbals. If your body language and tone of voice don’t match your words, others will think you’re bluffing.

An assertive tone of voice

You can usually tell another person’s mood without hearing their words. An aggressive person, for instance, often speaks loudly and stares straight at you, finger pointing. A passive person normally speaks with their hand near the mouth and the voice tailing off at the end of each sentence accompanied by a nervous smile.

  Associated with: Non-verbals
Aggressive

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bullying, intimidating; ‘me, me, me’; violent, angry, dominant, hostile, threatening.

 

 

Clenched fists; pushy; eyes dilated; voice loud or sharp; strong gestures and movements; loss of control over speech.

 

Passive/

Submissive

 

 

 

Vulnerable; giving in to peer pressure; helplessness, playing role of victim, dis-empowered.

 

Shifty eyes, no eye contact; hunched shoulders; defeated voice tone; being ‘lost for words’.

 

Assertive

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Up front; honest, open; wanting to understand both the situation and the people; self-control; decision-maker, making informed choices.

 

 

 

Eyes and gaze steady but not overpowering; speech calm, clear and under control; standing firm and movements calculated.

 

 

 

Assertive people talk unhurriedly, with a steady, clear tone, and breathe slowly as they speak.

  • Get into the habit of talking more slowly and deliberately and taking more time to respond. If you speak too fast or gabble, your words lack authority.
  • Take in a breath before you’re ready to speak. This helps you to feel more in control, more self-composed. Take longer pauses to recharge physically and mentally, and check your listeners’ response.
  • Use silence to your advantage. It can be devastating if you make your point, then stay quiet.
  • Stay calm and relaxed while the other person considers his or her response.

Use personal space

We use body language is to stake out territories. The more space you take up, the more important you appear. On the other hand, moving too close is unsettling and can deliberately aggravate.

So get close – but not too close!

Eye contact

Eye contact is important. Shifty, wandering eyes denote lack of confidence or untrustworthiness; but a hard stare is intimidating.

Give relaxed eye contact – not too long, not to short.

Gestures

Hand movements express a great deal. Impatient, forceful, threatening gestures are intimidating. Fidgeting, scratching and constantly touching your hair and face indicate tension.

  • Develop a firm handshake – it denotes strength and integrity.
  • Use your hands for emphasis.
  • Keep hand movements smooth and flowing.

Posture/stance

Posture is significant. An upright stance makes you look more important, even if you’re not especially tall. It makes you look younger and slimmer too.

  • Carry yourself as if you are worth taking notice of.
  • Stand tall, neck and shoulders relaxed, arms loose at your side. Think of yourself as being pulled up by an invisible string attached to the top of your head.
  • Sit up straight.
  • Avoid crossing your legs and folding your arms. This indicates a defensive attitude.

How to speak assertively

Be specific

Don’t beat about the bush. Make your point clearly and with conviction. Say what you genuinely  feel, calmly and politely. Don’t say anything you don’t really mean.

Use phrases like:

  • I want to….
  • I want you to….
  • I don’t want to….
  • I don’t want you to…..
  • I have a different opinion. I think….’

If you find this difficult, you may have to confront your fears. Why are you afraid to speak your mind? What’s the worst that could happen? Is it anything more than the other person disagreeing with you?

Use ‘I’ statements

Assertive people use words and phrases which take ownership of what they are expressing:

  • I want
  • I think
  • I feel
  • I intend

They say ‘I choose‘ or ‘I have decided’ rather than ‘I must‘ or ‘I have to…’ (The latter imply indecision and/or weakness).

Use cooperative words and phrases

For example:

  • Let’s…
  • Let’s see if we can agree.
  • How can we resolve this?
  • This is my contribution. What’s yours?

Refer to the behaviour you find upsetting

Attacking a person’s character is aggressive – it gets their back up and makes them unlikely to want to cooperate with you. If you feel the need to criticise, restrict your remarks to their behaviour. Say how it affects you. Ask them to stop. Keep asking until they do. It’s always better (and less stressful) to deal with a problem now than say nothing and allow it to get worse.

Say what you would like to happen next

Assertiveness is goal-directed. Bear in mind the outcome you want and what you would like to happen before you speak.

For example, if someone is gossiping about your friend, say to them: ‘I don’t like it when you talk about my friend like that. It doesn’t reflect well on you and makes me feel very unhappy. Please stop it.’

Here’s an effective form of words when you want to ask someone to change their behaviour:

When you…

I feel….

and if it continues/if you don’t stop….

I want you to….

If you are ignored, simply repeat your point and, if necessary, keep repeating it. Change the words if you wish but not the message, and avoid being sidetracked.

Ask for feedback

This is a useful tactic when you are unsure whether you are getting your point across. Ask, ‘Am I being clear?’ ‘Do you agree?’ ‘What do you want to do?’ and so on.

Asking for feedback corrects misconceptions and encourages others to be clear and direct in their feedback to you.

Persist

Obviously, you won’t always get your own way, but at least you’ve made your mark, and you will be taken more seriously in future. And if you find you have to go along with actions you don’t freely endorse and it doesn’t work out, at least you can point out that didn’t do it willingly.

©David Lawrence Preston, 21.6.2016

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How to Books, 2010