‘I’ll try’ or ‘I don’t want to’?

Posted on May 22, 2017 by David Lawrence Preston

‘I’ll try’ implies ‘I don’t want to’. How often have you asked (or invited) someone to do something and they’ve said ‘I’ll try’, only to let you down?

‘I’ll try to do it today.’ ‘I’ll try to make it to the meeting.’ ‘I’ll try to help.’ How many people have been disappointed by ‘I’ll try’, thinking they’ve been given a promise?

People say they’ll try if they don’t want to, don’t think they can, haven’t really got time, or have no intention of following through.

Assertive people don’t say ‘I’ll try’ when they mean ‘I won’t’ or ‘I don’t want to’. It’s a feeble cop-out. Far better to say, ‘I’m sorry, I can’t, I don’t want to or ‘It’s not convenient’ and say why (even if you have to soften it a little).

Beware: ‘I’ll try’ implies failure and deceit. It is deceptive and defeatist. When someone tells you they’ll ‘try’, realise that it could be an excuse and don’t be too disappointed if you’re let down.

©Feelinggoodallthetime

How to Books, 2010

Give up approval-seeking behaviour

Posted on January 18, 2017 by David Lawrence Preston

It’s perfectly natural to want to be liked and accepted, but it becomes a problem if you constantly edit yourself to win others’ approval.

Approval-seeking behaviour has some short-term benefits (e.g. it can help avoid arguments), but has long-term consequences. You are unlikely to feel good about yourself if you continually pander to others.

Concern yourself less with other people’s opinions. Others don’t necessarily see things your way or know what’s best for you. Make your own decisions and honour your own values. Others’ expectations are not your concern. You didn’t create them, and you don’t own them. If they don’t like what you do, that’s their problem, not yours.

You are unique. Strangely, many of us are obsessed with trying to acceptable to our fellow human beings find acceptable. Value your uniqueness! When you live your own truth, the sense of freedom is invigorating.

You may feel uncomfortable when you first put this into practice. The cause of your discomfort is your emotional programming. So persevere. Before long the uncomfortable feelings fade away.

©David Lawrence Preston, 18.1.2017

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter @David_L_Preston

How to Books, 2010

Negotiate to Win-Win

Posted on July 1, 2016 by David Lawrence Preston

Negotiation is not just a business activity – it’s part of everyday life. Many people dread it. They fear they’ll be outsmarted. For most, it’s simply a question of calmness and confidence. There’s no need to be apprehensive if you follow a few simple guidelines and of course, the more you practise, the better you become.

Negotiation has been defined as ‘the gentle art of persuading someone that you can help them get what they want if they help you get what you want’. It’s about working together to come to an agreement by offering your cooperation in exchange for theirs.

It’s also been defined as ‘the art of the possible’. You rarely get everything you aim for. Nor should you necessarily want to – if one party feels crushed, the agreement rarely sticks. But with the right approach, you will get the greater part.

Zero-Sum or Non-Zero-Sum?

Zero-sum negotiations are those in which one person’s loss inevitably leads to another’s gain. Most buying and selling transactions are like this. If I’m selling, the more I can persuade you to pay, the more I win, and the more you lose.

Non-zero-sum negotiations are those in which both parties could win, and both could lose. Most business deals are of this kind. For example, a supplier approaches a retailer with a new product. The retailer stands to gain by stocking the product, but demands a 10% reduction in the wholesale price. The supplier could still make a profit by complying, but refuses to lower the price more than 5%. So the retailer rejects the product and both miss out.

Far-sighted negotiators would have been more flexible and struck a compromise that would have been profitable for both.

Preparation

Negotiations happen in three stages:

Preparation
The bargaining
Follow-up

90% of success in negotiations comes from thorough preparation.

Build up a detailed picture of the other’s wants and needs. If they represent an organisation, find out as much as you can about it – how it operates, its procedures, rules and regulations, and time scales.

Know what you want from the negotiation. Write it down. For example, if you’re selling your car, decide:

How much do you want? What’s your target/ideal outcome?

What’s the absolute minimum you’d accept, after taking account of extras, your costs etc.?

What will be your initial asking price, one that would allow you some room for manoeuvre?

Think about add-ons and trade-offs – what would you be willing to concede to close the sale? E.g. would you accept a lower offer for cash?

If you’re buying, you’re looking at the negotiation from a different point of view. Consider your target price, your initial offer, the absolute maximum you’re willing to pay, and what you’d be willing to concede.

Once you’ve set your targets, stick to them and mentally rehearse. The better you mentally rehearse, the calmer, more confident and more successful you’ll be!

The Bargaining

The golden rule in bargaining (as in life) is listen more, talk less.

Your priority is to fully understand the other person’s point of view. This means paying attention to what they say and how they say it, probing their argument and reflecting back. Let them know you value their opinion; then you’ll be more likely to interest them in yours.

Hold back. Don’t try to get all your points in first. If you say too much, too soon, you miss opportunities to gather information and prevent the other from laying his cards on the table.

Be willing to concede a few minor points.

If you hit a stumbling block – you have three alternatives:

Either agree to go away and think about it and continue some other time; or

Try to get round it by looking for a secondary point of agreement before returning to the main issue; or

Recognise that it is not possible to come to a deal which is satisfactory to both of you and terminate the negotiation.

Be pleasant and courteous at all times, even if you can’t agree. You may want to negotiate with this person again.

Once you’ve made a deal, stick to it. If you break your word, the other person will rarely want to have anything more to do with you.

And remember: the real issue at the end of a negotiation is not, ‘Who won?’ but ‘Was everyone happy with the outcome?’ Your objective is win/win. Unless both of you gain something from the negotiation, you’ve failed!

©David Lawrence Preston, 1.7.2016

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter @David_L_Preston

How to Books, 2004

How to resolve everyday conflicts

Posted on June 27, 2016 by David Lawrence Preston

The challenge with everyday conflict is not to avoid it (which is almost impossible) but to settle it quickly, learn from it and move on.

The fact is, everyone knows how to upset their nearest and dearest because they have inadvertently taught each other over time what hurts the most.

Conflict is best resolved by:

Realising that in any disagreement, you’re not likely to change the other person unless they want to – the only person you can really change is yourself.

Recognising that there are two sides to every argument. With goodwill on both sides differences can be resolved if both are willing to compromise.

Ask yourself: ‘Is there a genuine disagreement here, or are we simply not communicating?’ Perhaps your wires are crossed.

If there is a clash, ask yourself if it’s worth fighting over, or whether you can let it go (without compromising your integrity, of course). Don’t fool yourself, though. There are times when it is necessary hold firm.

Concentrate on finding a solution rather than going over old ground. Focusing on a problem magnifies it; focussing on a solution is productive.

Acknowledge their emotion, even if you disagree with their argument. A useful tip is to start your sentences with ‘I feel’, not ‘you are’ – it’s harder to hurt and easier to understand this way’.

Learn to lose arguments! Allow the other person to win from time to time. If the other person feels quashed, bitterness and resentment build up.

In relationships it is healthy for people to be able to express themselves assertively and look for ways of resolving differences.If handled skilfully, there’s no harm done.

©David Lawrence Preston, 30.6.2016

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How to Books, 2004

Receiving criticism

Posted on June 27, 2016 by David Lawrence Preston

Constructive criticism given by someone who is genuinely concerned for you can be very valuable.

When someone criticizes you, before you respond consider:

Where are they coming from? Are they really concerned for my welfare or projecting their own issues onto me? People who constantly criticize others are usually critical of themselves. They project these feelings on to others.

Is their criticism fair? All of it? Some? Or is it totally unjustified?

If it is legitimate, listen carefully. Ask for specific examples to make sure you’ve grasped the point. There’s no shame in this, in fact it takes a solid sense of self-worth to take justified criticism on board. But if the criticism is unfair, say so assertively there and then. Don’t let resentment build up.

©David Lawrence Preston, 29.6.2016

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter @David_L_Preston

How To Books, 2010

Giving Criticism

Posted on June 27, 2016 by David Lawrence Preston

Everyone is criticized from time to time, and there are times when we feel the need to criticize. This can be an uncomfortable experience for both giver and receiver, and if handled badly it can destroy a relationship.

Our response to criticism is heavily influenced by our self-esteem and our experiences as children. Critical parents tend to raise critical or defensive children. These habits are likely to persist until we learn to recognise and change them.

How do you feel when someone criticizes you? Do you have any triggers – vulnerable, sensitive areas which immediately arouse strong negative feelings in you? Do others pick up on them and use them to get you going?

If you have a need to criticize, try these:

1. Be clear on your motives

Firstly make sure your reason for criticizing is not because of a weakness you have. Make sure you’re not projecting your feelings onto others.

2. Choose the time and place carefully

Choosing the time and place improves the chances that the criticism will be taken in the right way. Above all, don’t criticize in front of others. You wouldn’t like it, and neither do they.

3. Criticize their conduct not their character

Stick to comments on behaviour. Be as specific as you can, describe the effect it has on you and say how you feel about it. Give examples. If you’re referring to a particular incident, test their reaction by opening with a question, e.g. ‘How do you think that went?’ Avoid labels such as lazy, stupid, ignorant, inconsiderate etc. at all costs.

4. Avoid absolutes and generalizations

Avoid statements such as:

You’re the most…
You always…
You never…

They are rarely true and never helpful. These are easily dismissed. E.g. If you say ‘you always…’ and they can cite just one instance when it is not true, your credibility is destroyed.

5. The ‘Critical sandwich’

Start with a positive. Then make your criticism. Finish with an encouraging remark – as long as it is sincere:

‘I’ve been extremely happy with your work, Lucy, since you’ve joined us. You work hard your work is always nicely presented. However, there is one thing that’s been brought to my attention. You’ve been making a lot of private phone calls during working hours. I know you’ve had personal problems recently, but you must deal with those outside working hours. I’ll be monitoring the number of calls you make from now on. Carry on with the good work; all I ask is that you pay attention to this point. It’s good to have you on our team’.

6. Say what changes you’d like

Spell out the changes you would like in as much detail as you can.

‘When you talk about George like that, I feel angry. I’d rather you didn’t talk about him like that. Promise me that you’ll stop as from now.’

7. Listen

Listen carefully to their response. Check that they understand exactly what you’re criticizing and are not taking it personally. Make sure you fully understand the impact you are making.

Criticism is not something to be ducked. Correctly handled, it can be a valuable learning experience for both parties.

©David Lawrence Preston, 25.6.2016

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter @David_L_Preston

How to Books, 2004

A comment on assertiveness

Posted on June 22, 2016 by David Lawrence Preston

I know from personal experience that when you first become more assertive, your closest friends, family and colleagues may have problems adjusting to your new behaviour. They may even feel threatened by it.

Of course, you don’t want to be knocked back to where you were, and why should you? Just be sensitive to their feelings until they’ve got used to the new you.

Genuinely assertive people use their skills responsibly. They know when to ‘chill out’ and when to ‘come on strong’, and they never deliberately hurt others’ feelings.

So whenever you’re faced with a choice of showing how right you are and simply being kind, ask yourself whether it really matters, and if it doesn’t – choose kind!

©David Lawrence Preston, 24.6.2016

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter @David_L_Preston

How to Books, 2010

Handling Confrontation

Posted on June 22, 2016 by David Lawrence Preston

Most people dislike confrontation, but if you have confidence in yourself and know how to diffuse aggression you need not be unduly worried by it. Try the following:

Empathic statements

Stay calm, listen attentively and show that you recognise how the other person feels by acknowledging their feelings. This often diffuses a situation when tempers are running high:

I can see you’re angry/upset/hurt etc./disappointed that things haven’t worked out the way you wanted …..

You seem upset. What’s the matter?

This keeps the lines of communication open without necessarily endorsing their point of view. And it doesn’t rule out the possibility of coming to some sort of agreement.

Rapport building/staying in rapport

On the other hand, staying calm can actually exacerbate the situation. Angry people faced with a very calm, composed and self-controlled individual may think you’re not taking them seriously enough and become even more infuriated.

Use listening and rapport-building techniques. Match and mirror their behaviour, raising your voice and stepping up your pace of speech, then slowly and deliberately mellow, carefully observing and encouraging them to follow suit.

Framing

Framing is a way of softening a response. For example:

‘You may be right. I prefer to see it his way, though…..’

The ‘Third Party’ technique

Another approach is to invent a third party to argue your case for you. This way, the altercation doesn’t become personal.

Yes, I agree with that point, but how would you respond to someone who said….

I have a friend who says….. What would you say to him/her?

Direct challenge

If someone is trying to manipulate you, challenge them directly.

You’re not trying to make me feel… (guilty/stupid/selfish etc.) are you?

This can be an effective form of words. It usually makes the other person stop and reflect and gives you the upper hand.

Focus on only part of what was said

Another effective response to this kind of manipulation is to focus only on part of what was said. This can be very disarming. E.g.:

Him: ‘If you loved me, you wouldn’t treat me like this.’

Her: ‘How long have you been telling yourself I don’t really love you?’

Agree

Agreeing with a confrontational comment can take the wind out of their sails:

‘The house is a pig sty. You’re so untidy.’

‘Yes you’re right, it does need tidying.’

If you sense that they are trying to upset you, calmly admit there may be some truth in the accusation, but add a comment or question that shows you have made your own mind up about the situation:

‘The house is a pig sty. Doesn’t it bother you that you’re so untidy?’

‘Yes, I know it could be tidier, but that’s the way it’s going to have to stay until I’ve finished what I’m doing. Why don’t you make a start in the living room?’

This puts them on the spot and quickly reveals whether they are trying to be helpful or just having a go at you. Once you’ve brought their real reasons to light, you can easily deflect them.

Yes I know, but I’ve had X Y and Z to cope with recently and it’s a struggle to keep up with everything. Have you any suggestions? What would you like to do to help?

At this point, if they’re genuinely concerned for you, they’ll follow up with a helpful comment. Most put-down specialists, however, duck the question or add another derisive comment, so you must be prepared to respond and be persistent.

Humour

Humour can dissipate anger, but be careful; it can have the opposite effect if they think you’re mocking them.

Remove yourself

One of the best strategies for dealing with difficult situations is to remove yourself long enough to calm down and compose yourself. Try, ‘Please excuse me for a moment. I have to go to the bathroom.’ While there, do some instant relaxation exercises, take a few deep breaths and mentally rehearse your next step.

©David Lawrence Preston, 24.6.2016

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter @David_L_Preston

How to Books, 2010

How to be more assertive

Posted on June 21, 2016 by David Lawrence Preston

Even if you’ve never considered yourself a particularly assertive person, mastering a few basic techniques can help you to develop this essential skill. Start with small steps and stretch yourself a little more each day as your confidence grows.

The basic rules are:

Choose your outcomes. Decide what you want after consider the consequences.
Adopt assertive non-verbals.
Be specific.
If appropriate, describe the behaviour you find upsetting.
Say how this affects you.
Say what you would like to happen next.
Be willing to compromise. Assertive people recognise that others have legitimate rights and needs, and try to accommodate them if acceptable to both.
Integrity: A reputation for untruthfulness is a major handicap in all relationships.
Mental rehearsal: If you find certain situations difficult, mentally rehearse them in advance.

Assertive non-verbals

No less than 93% of what you communicate to another person is by your voice quality and tone and body language/non-verbals. If your body language and tone of voice don’t match your words, others will think you’re bluffing.

An assertive tone of voice

You can usually tell another person’s mood without hearing their words. An aggressive person, for instance, often speaks loudly and stares straight at you, finger pointing. A passive person normally speaks with their hand near the mouth and the voice tailing off at the end of each sentence accompanied by a nervous smile.

Associated with:

Non-verbals

Aggressive

Bullying, intimidating; ‘me, me, me’; violent, angry, dominant, hostile, threatening.

Clenched fists; pushy; eyes dilated; voice loud or sharp; strong gestures and movements; loss of control over speech.

Passive/

Submissive

Vulnerable; giving in to peer pressure; helplessness, playing role of victim, dis-empowered.

Shifty eyes, no eye contact; hunched shoulders; defeated voice tone; being ‘lost for words’.

Assertive

Up front; honest, open; wanting to understand both the situation and the people; self-control; decision-maker, making informed choices.

Eyes and gaze steady but not overpowering; speech calm, clear and under control; standing firm and movements calculated.

Assertive people talk unhurriedly, with a steady, clear tone, and breathe slowly as they speak.

Get into the habit of talking more slowly and deliberately and taking more time to respond. If you speak too fast or gabble, your words lack authority.

Take in a breath before you’re ready to speak. This helps you to feel more in control, more self-composed. Take longer pauses to recharge physically and mentally, and check your listeners’ response.

Use silence to your advantage. It can be devastating if you make your point, then stay quiet.

Stay calm and relaxed while the other person considers his or her response.

Use personal space

We use body language is to stake out territories. The more space you take up, the more important you appear. On the other hand, moving too close is unsettling and can deliberately aggravate.

So get close – but not too close!

Eye contact

Eye contact is important. Shifty, wandering eyes denote lack of confidence or untrustworthiness; but a hard stare is intimidating.

Give relaxed eye contact – not too long, not to short.

Gestures

Hand movements express a great deal. Impatient, forceful, threatening gestures are intimidating. Fidgeting, scratching and constantly touching your hair and face indicate tension.

Develop a firm handshake – it denotes strength and integrity.
Use your hands for emphasis.
Keep hand movements smooth and flowing.

Posture/stance

Posture is significant. An upright stance makes you look more important, even if you’re not especially tall. It makes you look younger and slimmer too.

Carry yourself as if you are worth taking notice of.
Stand tall, neck and shoulders relaxed, arms loose at your side. Think of yourself as being pulled up by an invisible string attached to the top of your head.
Sit up straight.
Avoid crossing your legs and folding your arms. This indicates a defensive attitude.

How to speak assertively

Be specific

Don’t beat about the bush. Make your point clearly and with conviction. Say what you genuinely feel, calmly and politely. Don’t say anything you don’t really mean.

Use phrases like:

I want to….
I want you to….
I don’t want to….
I don’t want you to…..
I have a different opinion. I think….’

If you find this difficult, you may have to confront your fears. Why are you afraid to speak your mind? What’s the worst that could happen? Is it anything more than the other person disagreeing with you?

Use ‘I’ statements

Assertive people use words and phrases which take ownership of what they are expressing:

I want
I think
I feel
I intend

They say ‘I choose‘ or ‘I have decided’ rather than ‘I must‘ or ‘I have to…’ (The latter imply indecision and/or weakness).

Use cooperative words and phrases

For example:

Let’s…
Let’s see if we can agree.
How can we resolve this?
This is my contribution. What’s yours?

Refer to the behaviour you find upsetting

Attacking a person’s character is aggressive – it gets their back up and makes them unlikely to want to cooperate with you. If you feel the need to criticise, restrict your remarks to their behaviour. Say how it affects you. Ask them to stop. Keep asking until they do. It’s always better (and less stressful) to deal with a problem now than say nothing and allow it to get worse.

Say what you would like to happen next

Assertiveness is goal-directed. Bear in mind the outcome you want and what you would like to happen before you speak.

For example, if someone is gossiping about your friend, say to them: ‘I don’t like it when you talk about my friend like that. It doesn’t reflect well on you and makes me feel very unhappy. Please stop it.’

Here’s an effective form of words when you want to ask someone to change their behaviour:

When you…

I feel….

and if it continues/if you don’t stop….

I want you to….

If you are ignored, simply repeat your point and, if necessary, keep repeating it. Change the words if you wish but not the message, and avoid being sidetracked.

Ask for feedback

This is a useful tactic when you are unsure whether you are getting your point across. Ask, ‘Am I being clear?’ ‘Do you agree?’ ‘What do you want to do?’ and so on.

Asking for feedback corrects misconceptions and encourages others to be clear and direct in their feedback to you.

Persist

Obviously, you won’t always get your own way, but at least you’ve made your mark, and you will be taken more seriously in future. And if you find you have to go along with actions you don’t freely endorse and it doesn’t work out, at least you can point out that didn’t do it willingly.

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter @David_L_Preston

How to Books, 2010

Assertiveness is self-empowerment in action

Posted on June 16, 2016 by David Lawrence Preston

‘This above all: to thine own self be true

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.’

William Shakespeare

Your personal power is expressed primarily in your interactions with others. Remember, you always have the right to:

Express your feelings (but you must decide when it is appropriate to do so).
Stand up for your opinions.
Demand respect from others.
Make requests (but remember the other person has a right to refuse).
Refuse requests.
Change your mind.
Say ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I don’t understand’.
Choose not to explain your behaviour.

If you are not used to asserting yourself, you may feel uncomfortable the first few times, but don’t be put off. EVERYONE CAN LEARN TO BE ASSERTIVE. I did! The rewards include greater confidence, better relationships, fewer frustrations, and a more fulfilling and successful life.

Benefits of Assertiveness

Assertiveness enables you to deal more effectively with all situations, including difficult ones.

It prevents you being steamrollered into going along with something against your will.

It is good for your physical and emotional well-being. It lowers your stress levels.

Assertiveness ensures that relationships are built on genuine foundations and everyone concerned understands each other. Without it, people are not being themselves.

What Assertiveness Is

Assertiveness is often misunderstood. Many think it means being loud and pushy and acting selfishly, but nothing could be further from the truth. When you value yourself, you value others too. Real assertiveness acknowledges others’ needs, while being true to your own.

Assertive behaviour is:

Saying what you think, calmly and politely.
Making your point clearly and with conviction.
Being in touch with your inner feelings, trusting and valuing them.
Expressing your feelings with consideration for others.
Sticking to your point and, if necessary, repeating it the other has got your point too.
Being decisive. Indecisiveness invites an aggressive or derisive response.
Standing up for your rights without violating the basic rights of others.
Being clear on what you want and asking for it.

Passive behaviour – and how to recognise it

Which of these is your typical response when you feel angry or upset? Do you:

Let people know in a roundabout way?
Keep quiet?
Try to say how you feel and be specific?
Explode?

Passive behaviour is submissive. It is failing to express your needs, opinions and feelings for fear of upsetting other people. Passive people are preoccupied with trying to please and avoiding conflict. This rarely leaves you feeling fulfilled.

Passive behaviour can include:

Apologising excessively
Trying to justify yourself all the time
Indecisiveness
Inability to stand up for yourself
Understatement
Pretending to agree with others
Body language and/or tone of voice being incongruent with the spoken word

Passivity comes naturally to those who are taught from an early age to keep their feelings to themselves. As a result they may grow up burning with resentment (which can come out as sudden and ill-timed flashes of bad temper).

The irony is, far from being easy to get along with, passive people can be very exasperating. It’s hard to know how they really feel, and they often give the impression they don’t even know themselves.

Passivity mostly stems mainly from lack of confidence. Learning to be assertive helps you to be more confident, and working on your confidence and self-esteem will make you more assertive.

Passive people may say that they don’t want to be more assertive, because they don’t like loud, pushy behaviour. This is an excuse. Correcting submissive behaviours does not automatically mean becoming quarrelsome or overbearing.

Aggressive behaviour – and how to handle it

Aggressive behaviour is about getting your own way no matter what. Aggressive people don’t mind taking advantage of others.

Direct aggression

They may be can be intimidating – this is ‘Direct Aggression’. Their behaviour carries an overt of covert threat. They may speak in a raised voice accompanied by glaring eyes, pointing, leaning forward and constant interrupting. Directly aggressive behaviour is often a sign of low self-esteem. Underneath the facade is someone who is insecure and who doesn’t believe they can get their own way by any other means.

Aggressive behaviour builds up bad feeling, hostility and resentment. Others feel defensive in their company and close up. And it often results in loss of friendships as others either avoid them, or find a way of getting their own back.

Indirect aggression

Aggression need not be loud. Put-downs, gossiping, manipulating and tricking people and using sarcasm are also aggressive. So are deliberately using silence, turning your back and ignoring people.

The main weapons which indirect aggressors employ are fear and guilt. When confronted, they usually deny their intentions. They say they were only joking or accuse you of being oversensitive. If you feel someone is using these tactics on you, the best strategy is to challenge them immediately. Remember, your power is always located in the present moment. Say, ‘You’re not trying to make me feel ….., are you?’ Normally, they will deny it. If they try it on again, keep challenging. They won’t like it, but sooner or later they will get the point.

I repeat – everyone can learn to be assertive. Learn the basic techniques, then practise, practise and practise and you WILL succeed.

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter @David_L_Preston

How to Books, 2004