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Who do you think you are?

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There’s a story of an anxious philosophy student who goes to see his professor. ‘Please Sir,’ he asks, ‘I’ve got a question that’s eating me alive. I must find the answer. Do I exist?’

The professor turns to him with a withering look and replies, ‘Who wants to know?’

The yearning to discover our true nature is universal. Many regard this as such an impossible question, they ignore it altogether, but others recognise that when one knows the true nature of this ‘I’, they find a potent source of freedom and potential.

So who do you think you are? A body? A mind? Your feelings? If not – who and what are you?

Biofield

You are not your body

One morning, I knock on my son’s door. ‘Are you up?’

A loud groan, then, ‘My body’s up, but I’m not!’ Is this a figure of speech, or does it reflect something more significant?

When you look in the mirror, who is doing the looking? Are you a collection of organs, muscles and bones covered in skin, an animal that has somehow learned how to think? You are physiologically very similar to some other higher mammals. No – your body is not what you are. You even refer to it as ‘mine’.

You are not your body because:

It constantly changes

You are born into a tiny, helpless body. It grows, matures, ages and dies – but your sense of self goes on.

With every breath, you inhale and exhale an astonishing ten thousand billion atoms from the environment – each one modifying your physical make-up. The cells in your body are constantly replaced. You grow a new skin every month and a new liver every two months. Your skeleton, which appears so solid and permanent, regenerates every three months. So do your muscles. You grow a complete new brain every year: yes, even the brain cells, where the memories, intelligence and knowledge are stored, are constantly replaced.

  1. The ‘I’ remains intact

 How long is it since you last rode a bicycle? If it’s more than one year ago, the body that cycled is now no more, and yet within a few seconds of sitting on the saddle, you’re as proficient as you ever were. Your old body died cell by cell – but your consciousness lives on.

Individuals suffer the most horrendous injuries, yet the ‘I’ remains intact. Thousands of serious accident victims continue to enjoy a high quality of life, their sense of ‘I’ undiminished.

Imagine: if your arms and legs were chopped off, would you still feel the same sense of ‘I’? Of course you would, because even when your body is completely paralysed you remain a fully self-conscious being.

 3. The ‘I’ is always there

Even when you are completely unaware of the body, e.g. under general anaesthetic, in a coma, in a deep sleep, or when you are knocked unconscious, the ‘I’ is still there observing.

Have you ever been with someone as they die? One moment, their body had life, the next it had not. And yet, although they were gone, their body was still there, exactly as it was a few seconds before, no lighter, no heavier, but completely lifeless. Whatever it is that kept them alive had gone.

 4. Brain activity is an effect, not a cause

 The brain is where our choices are executed, but in itself it has no power to choose. Scientists can identify which part of the brain reflects specific operations, like rational thinking, motor functions, memory and emotional responses – but they have not been able to find what causes it to happen.

Are You Your Mind?

Your mind, unlike the brain, is non-physical. It is the thoughts, ideas, memories and automatic regulatory systems that keep your body functioning. It can’t be seen, measured, touched or weighed. Perhaps (and this is a startling thought) it’s not in the body at all!

You are not your mind because there is something in you that is aware that and what you are thinking.

This ‘something’ is capable of understanding the need to monitor your thoughts. It can examine your thoughts and choose to accept or reject them. If the ‘I’ were just another thought or collection of thoughts, this would mean one thought is controlling another. Is this possible?

We know a great deal about the mind, and our knowledge is growing all the time. But where does this knowledge of the mind come from? Obviously it must come from somewhere other than the mind!

Thoughts come and go, but self-consciousness endures. It is possible to stop thinking (Eastern mystics become very adept at this) and yet remain conscious of the ‘I’. And insane people sometimes ‘lose their minds’ but remain self-conscious.

Are You Your Emotions?

Similarly, emotions change all the time, and some even cease altogether as we become more ’emotionally intelligent’ – but the ‘I’ goes on. Moreover, it is possible to be completely emotionless, in deep meditation for instance, yet still have a solid sense of ‘I’.

You are the Witness

The mind, body and emotions are something ‘I’ possess, which implies that the act of thinking involves the existence of a thinker and the mind is only an instrument. So who is this ‘I’?

You are that which watches the mind and body in action; the Witness, not what is witnessed.

The real nature of this ‘I’ goes beyond the limitations and capabilities of the senses. We know we cannot detect everything through our five senses. Dogs, for example, have a wider range of hearing and sense of smell than we; bats can pick up vibrations we can’t, and eagles can see much further than we. We have instruments which can detect stimuli which are out of range of our sensory equipment. It is beyond doubt that our five senses can’t be trusted to sense everything there is.

Spirit

Spirit is just a name for the Intelligence that sparks your body to life and leaves it when you die. Its existence is fully compatible with the latest findings of quantum physics. Once you discover the truth that you are a Spiritual being, you’re able to step beyond your previous limitations. How? By recognising that this is the part of you that has the power to think – in fact, this is the only power it has, and it is the power that shapes and directs our lives!

©David Lawrence Preston, 18.6.2016

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Winning Conversation

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As a shy young man I had to teach myself to converse with other people, and it is these experiences that enable me to help others today.

Good conversation is a great confidence builder. It’s vital in building relationships and mutual understanding. It’s how we get to know each other. Talk to anyone for ten minutes, even a complete stranger, and you already have a pretty good idea of that person’s world – whether it is happy or sad, filled with health or illness, peace, anxiety and so on. It’s the way they gain an impression of your world too!

The basis of good conversation is rapport. Establishing rapport is finding things you have in common and making the person comfortable with you.

Here’s ten rapport builders:

Ten things that people like in conversations

  1. To be uplifted

Few of us enjoy talking to someone who is negative, so if you can’t find something good to say, say nothing.

Some people try to make themselves appear superior by putting others down. It rarely works because other people usually want very little to do with them.  Moreover, they’re not really talking about the other person, but revealing what’s inside them.

Avoid sarcasm. William Shakespeare described it as ‘the lowest form of wit’ and ‘the last resort of a defeated mind.’ Although it can be funny, it is often misunderstood and can be cruel. Children, in particular, often fail to pick up the subtleties of tone and body language,

Uplifting conversation is attractive, but with one exception: if a person is obviously going through a hard time, you may lose rapport by being too positive so tone it down.

  1. Agreement

We all like someone who agrees with us, so look for something on which you can agree and let people know when you agree with them.

Don’t tell them when you disagree with them unless it is absolutely necessary (you’ll find it rarely is) and take care over how you phrase it. ‘What would you say to someone who said…..’ is a useful form of words.

There are times, of course, when you strongly disagree and have to decide how far to go to make your point, and whether it is important enough to risk jeopardising the relationship.

If another person is angry with you, try to take the heat out of the situation. Stay calm, talk slowly and lower your voice.  If this doesn’t work, raise your voice a little (until it almost as loud as theirs) then gradually quieten it. (This is a technique called ‘pacing and leading’). Eventually they’ll realise they’re the only one shouting and their anger will burn itself out.

  1. Descriptive language

Most people are primarily visual, so paint word pictures. Everyone loves an anecdote and a story told in an interesting way. Use words and phrases which stimulate the imagination and appeal to the emotions.

  1. Simple words

Use simple, familiar words – people hate pretentiousness and pomposity. You quickly lose other people’s attention if they can’t understand what you are saying.

  1. Self-disclosure

Sharing feelings is the essence of real communication. Nobody enjoys talking to people who reveal nothing about themselves. You don’t have to go into intimate detail, of course, and you want the other person to respect your privacy, just as you respect theirs. But how can you expect them to open up to you if you’re not willing to open up to them?

       6. I don’t know

Most people dislike a know-all. If they think you’re a person who has to be right all the time, you’ll scare them off. It is often better to say you don’t know, even if you think you do. (If the other person knows, he’ll be sure to tell you.)

You’ve probably used this tactic many times with small children. When you sense that a child asks you a question because he wants to impress you with the right answer, you let him – don’t you? Why not do the same with adults? The result is the same.

It takes a solid sense of self-worth to admit your mistakes, especially if you’ve hurt the other person’s feelings, but others usually admire you for it.

       7. Lighten up

A light touch builds bridges. You can always spot a person who takes himself too seriously – he spends a lot of time on his own!

8. Integrity

Integrity cannot be stressed highly enough. People with integrity are more popular and more effective as leaders. Their relationships tend to be more long lasting.

Be sincere. Always keep your word. Don’t make empty promises and never let people down. Avoid gossiping. People dislike gossips. At most, they tolerate them; sometimes they are amused by them, but they never respect them.

Anyone who will gossip to you will also gossip about you. Refuse to listen, change the subject and, if all else fails, walk away. And never tell a story you would have to interrupt from embarrassment if somebody else walked into the room.

  1. Own your feelings and opinions

When you express an opinion, it is yours. Own it. Use the first person when expressing your feelings and opinions – ‘I feel…,’ ‘In my opinion…,’ ‘I think…,’ and so on. When we use the pronoun ‘I’, it is like a statement of self-assertion, strength and integrity.

A woman who had been taken in by a con man told me, ‘You feel so useless. It makes you feel as if you want to run away and never come back.’ She was expressing how she felt, but she wasn’t owning it. What she meant was, ‘I did a stupid thing. I feel so useless. I want to run away and never come back.’

  1. Stop talking before your audience stops listening

If you don’t want to be remembered as a bit of a bore, be alert to the other’s signals and stop talking before your audience stops listening. When it is clear they have heard enough, politely bring the conversation to a close.

The basics of good conversation apply equally in business and in domestic and social situations. These techniques work if you practise them, and if you’re sincere. Take an interest in others. Accept them as they are. Be patient. Bring out – the best in them. Then you’ll be a good communicator – and a popular person!

©David Lawrence Preston, 15.6.2016

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The Molecules of Emotion

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Anyone who has ever felt sick with worry or cried at the cinema knows that there is a close connection between our thoughts, emotions and bodily state, but only in the last couple of decades has the medical establishment acknowledged this connection and begun to take it seriously. The reason was that scientists could find no discernible means by which the brain, nervous system and immune system communicated with each other, and hence could not explain how the mind could possibly bring about physical changes.

Dr Candace Pert changed all that. She discovered the biochemical mechanisms through which mind-body communication to take place. As a result of her work, and that work of other great PNI (Psycho-Neuro-Immunology) pioneers such as Cannon, Ader, Felten and the rest, no serious medic today would deny that our thoughts and emotions affect our health. No longer can we regard the body and mind as distinct from each other – they function together as a single unit, an interconnected whole.

The Molecules of Emotion is an account of Dr Pert’s life and work from her graduation in 1970 until its publication in 1997. The first chapter sets the scene, a scientific explanation of ligands, peptides and receptor sites cleverly woven into her account of how she approaches lecturing to an expert audience.  The next few chapters describe the defining period on her life when, as a young scientist trying to make her mark, she fought off those who said it couldn’t be done and discovered the opiate receptor in the brain. She then found herself at odds with those in power who resented her challenge to established scientific thinking and who weren’t ready to be confronted by – shock horror!!! – a woman shaking things up. Indeed, this episode sets the tone for much of the book. She concludes that her difficulties in getting the credit to which she was entitled were due to her gender rather than the dirty tricks and ruthlessness of professional colleagues.

Personally, as one who gave up chemistry and biology at an early age, I found the book tough going in places, but the ‘difficult’ passages soon give way to more reader friendly narrative. Parts are stomach churning; her description of making a frothy milkshake-like mixture from the brains of the recently deceased is not for the faint-hearted, but an essential part of her research. She describes research that would later signpost an effective treatment for HIV, an easily synthesised polypeptide that would block one of the receptor sites by which the virus gains access to the body. Complicated, yes, but even so, the author makes it as clear as possible for the uninitiated like me. I learned a great deal, and, thanks to a clear and comprehensive index at the back, will use the book as a source of reference in the future.

Besides, for me, the science is not the only point of the book, for behind the technical details lies a fascinating human interest story of a determined young woman doing unconventional research in a staid and conservative environment. Indeed, her first major breakthrough would not have happened if she’d obeyed her superior’s instruction to discontinue that line of research. Then as the story unfolds, we learn how she was denied her share in a prestigious award, even though she did most of the research; her difficulties combining he professional life with her family life; her 10 year struggle to get funding for research; and how she founding of a research institute with a state-of-the-art laboratory only to have the funding withdrawn after falling foul of the intriguingly unnamed ‘Second Biggest Drug Company on the Planet’. She tells how she sabotaged her chances of gaining a Nobel Prize nomination by refusing to support the nomination of a group of (male) rivals who she felt had stolen her ideas.

Later breakthroughs in HIV/AIDS and cancer treatments followed, each as hard-fought as the last. By then, she had become more resilient, and her anger and frustration had given way to mindfulness and acceptance. For out of her research had come the realisation that forgiveness and a positive attitude in the face of adversity are important for maintaining wellbeing, and that toxic emotions must be expressed and worked through.

The final chapters offer an eight part programme for a healthy lifestyle. By then, she had discovered meditation, consciousness and chakra-based energy medicine. She had become an apostle for integrating mainstream, science-based medicine with holistic healthcare, and acknowledged the interaction between ‘healer’ and ‘client’ as an important part of the healing process. She had even stumbled across the notion of information exchange as the basis of understanding biological life, even referring to neuropeptides and receptors as ‘information molecules’.

The Molecules of Emotion has been criticised by the more scientifically minded as focussing too much on the human interest story and veering too far towards the ‘woo-woo’ in its final chapters, and by science-phobics as too heavy on technical detail. For me, she got the balance about right.

But science is an unfolding process. Scientifically, the world has moved on since The Molecules of Emotion was first published. We know a great deal more about the mechanisms by which our mental and emotional processes affect the biochemical make up of the body and manifest as health and wellbeing or their opposite – dysfunction and disease. As a result, health practitioners (including doctors) are no longer reluctant to discuss with clients how their beliefs and lifestyle choices impact on their health, and more and more clients readily embrace holistic healing approaches alongside conventional medicine.

Dr Pert made some important discoveries, then, not content to keep them to herself, fought hard to bring them to our attention. Her work validates what common sense has always told us – that the mind and body are intimately connected. For me, this book is an essential read for anyone engaged in medicine/healthcare and/or healing, either as a practitioner, educator, policymaker or patient.

Dr Candace Pert, The Molecules of Emotion: Why You Feel The Way You Feel, Pocket Books, 1999, ISBN- 13: 978-0-6710-3397-2

 

©David Lawrence Preston, 31.5.2015

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Consciousness and Healing (2)

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In a previous blog, I observed that the discovery long ago that we could heal ourselves was a great step forward in human evolution, and the healing methods used at each stage of our advancement are a direct result of the consciousness which prevailed at the time. Healing consciousness is about how we experience healing; our awareness of the healing process and what healing could be. It also says a great deal about our view of what a human being actually is and what it means to be human.

I have identified seven levels of consciousness in healing – the mechanic, the naturalist and the microbe carrier are the first three; in this blog I discuss the next two, the biochemist and the mind-body healer.

Level Four: the biochemist

Biochemical consciousness is the prevailing medical mindset in the West today. In the media, finding a ‘cure’ for any condition is synonymous with inventing a new drug or, more recently, manipulating the genetic makeup of the body in some way. Biochemical consciousness assumes that human beings are basically cocktails of chemicals and we function by means of chemical reactions. Some neuro- scientists think that even our thoughts are just manifestations of chemical reactions.

Healing is therefore reduced to adjusting our biochemistry like a cook adds a little more salt or spice to improve the food. Manipulating genes falls into the same category.

Biochemical consciousness encompasses not only drugs, but also anything ingested with the aim of altering the biochemistry of the body. Thus biochemical and natural consciousness overlap, since natural remedies such as herbs and dietary supplements have the same function. Once, drugs were simply extractions of the active ingredient of a natural substance; nowadays they are more likely to be artificial chemical compounds synthesised in a test tube, then tested to see if they have the desired result.

This is hit and miss  medicine par excellence – it takes no account of individual differences, its effects are indiscriminate, and the side effects are often worse than the disease it’s supposed to cure. Moreover, it is prohibitively expensive; most of the world’s population simply cannot afford it. And it is manipulated by commercial concerns often at the expense of other, more suitable modalities.

Drugs do have a place, of course. Many people enjoy a better quality of life than would be possible without them. But how often are hard-pressed doctors too quick to reach for the prescription pad when there are better, less harmful alternatives? How often are drugs merely suppressing symptoms while masking the real cause?

Those at the biochemists’ level of consciousness are still on the lower slopes of the mountain. They will never understand the higher levels unless and until a shift in their awareness takes place – but a shift towards the next level is already taking place among some health professionals. Top doctors are realising that  many of the ills that plague the so-called advanced societies are stress related – and we know that stress is mainly a result of our beliefs and ways of thinking (there’s nothing new in this – the Greek philosopher Epictetus said as much 2,500 years ago). Hence Level Five.

Level Five: the mind-body healer

We’ve always known that there’s a close connection between body and mind. No-one doubts that anxious thoughts can give rise to headaches, muscle tension, impaired performance, an upset stomach and so on.

The evidence for mind-body consciousness is strong indeed. Firstly, there’s the placebo effect – the disturbing (to allopaths) fact that in some circumstances a pill or potion with no active ingredient is as effective as the best the pharmaceutical industry can offer. The medical mainstream dismiss placebos as illusory, even unethical, whereas in reality they tell us more about the ability of humans to heal than any amount of double-blind trials.

The second is the power of suggestion. Placebos are actually a form of suggestion. So are doctors’ waiting rooms, white coats, stethoscopes and prescription pads. But suggestion is most closely associated with hypnotists placing healing ideas and images in the subconscious mind of the patient. I can personally vouch for its effectiveness when used by a trained practitioner such as myself with the right person in the right circumstances. The great Milton Erickson, the inspiration behind Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) took this to a whole new level, and while we may congratulate ourselves that this knowledge is a recent discovery, it’s actually as old as our ability to smelt iron and build pyramids.

So why did the Western medical establishment ignore the mind-body connection for so long? Because of their blind reliance on the kind of science that confines itself to those things that can be observed and measured through the five physical senses (a case of limited consciousness if ever there was one). In a nutshell, you can’t see thoughts and you can’t measure their progress through the body. Hence there was no proof that the supposed causes and effects between thoughts and physical aspects were linked.

Then about thirty years ago, mainstream scientists such as Dr Candace Pert and the founders of Psycho-Neuro-Immunology (PNI) –  Hans Selye, Robert Adye, Nicholas Cohen, David Felten and others – began to discover the bodily processes by which thoughts and emotions manifested as physical changes in the body. In Germany, Dr Ryke Hamer showed how an emotional shock can affect the physical make up of the brain and result in illness (he was banned from practising in his native Germany and thrown into to jail for some of his ideas, but not this one). Now, I believe, most doctors understand that many illnesses have a psycho-somatic component and some even believe that  all illnesses are psycho-somatic in origin.

Patients who don’t realise their emotions affect the physical body will often fail to seek the right help, e.g. I once met a young man who suffered from serious eczema. He relied on creams to alleviate the condition (which was only partially successful), whereas anyone with half an ounce of awareness could see that the problem was emotionally driven.

Of course, mind-body healers work on the basis that we are shaped mainly by our thoughts and beliefs. Again, this is not a new idea: King Solomon said as much in the Hebrew Scriptures, as did the Buddha, Lao Tsu, Yeshua the Carpenter from Nazareth,  Plato, Hippocrates, numerous Roman scholars, and the great psychologist himself, William Shakespeare.

Some go further than this and say we are our thoughts, but this is far from the whole truth. If we are our thoughts, which thoughts are we talking about? The ones I’m having now? Or this morning? Or yesterday? Or long ago?

We are not our thoughts. We are not our beliefs. We are not our emotions. Something inside is not only aware of our thoughts, but is aware that we are thinking and can observe the activity of thinking; is aware that we are experiencing an emotion and can observe its effects. There is even an observer who observes ourselves observing our thinking! Experience this, and we are perhaps then we are approaching pure consciousness.

Awareness, intention, attention, imagination and belief are the keys to mind-body healing. Taken in combination, they increase the effectiveness of all forms of healing. For instance, F.W. Alexander – best known for teaching his patients to stand, sit, walk, hold their heads correctly and so on – taught his patients and students mindfulness and affirmations to accompany each healing movement.

I sum this up in my I-T-I-A Formula – intention, thinking, imagination and action. When all of these are applied to any given situation, the results can be astounding.

Mind-body consciousness is much more than just healing the body, though. The Great Teachers always said that we manifest our experience of reality through our thoughts, perceptions, beliefs, emotions and so on – and today’s leading scientists (e.g. quantum physicists) agree.  When we observe the world, all we see are billions of particles and waves moving and spinning haphazardly – what Deepak Chopra calls the ‘quantum soup.’ It is the attention and meaning we give them that brings them into form. Our minds – our consciousness – actually create the world we live in. And perhaps they create our bodies too.

© David Lawrence Preston, 7.5.2016

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Your intuition

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Intuition is an inner guide that produces useful conclusions from limited data. It’s often referred to as ‘hunch’ or ‘sixth sense’. It has been referred to as a ‘receiving set’ through which ideas and thoughts flash into the mind.

Every brain is both a broadcasting and receiving station capable of picking up vibrations of thought from other brains. In addition, the brain subconsciously picks up signals from the environment. This is an ability we all have, not a special gift for a few.

Some intuitive ‘hits’ are obvious. We have an unsettled feeling in the solar plexus, a tight feeling in the neck and shoulders, stomach tension, a headache etc. Others are more subtle – a whispering voice, a subtle feeling that something isn’t right, and so on.

Many voices chatter away inside your head; many sensations affect your body. How do you know which of them are your intuition trying to steer you?

The first clue:

Intuition works best in silence. Like a triangle in an orchestra, it is rarely heard above the noise of the other instruments (i.e. environmental noise and your chattering conscious mind), but when the mind is quiet, there it is. Nor does it function well when you are feeling highly emotional: trying to tune in to your intuition when you are, say, angry or upset is like trying to hear a friend on the phone when people in the room are dancing to loud music.

The second clue:

Intuition usually reveals itself gently, quietly, little by little. Things happen which lead you in a certain direction, then one day, you look back and realise that your intuition had been at work.

The third clue:

Sometimes intuition reveals itself through dreams. Many dreams are of little consequence – they are simply the unconscious dealing with ‘unfinished business’ and cleaning out mental cobwebs while you are asleep. But memorable or recurring dreams may be a message from your intuition.

The fourth clue:

Another way in which intuition functions is through coincidences. It’s easy to dismiss coincidences as random chance, but often they’re your intuition prompting you. Often we fail to grasp their significance. Events are often linked in ways that we can’t see, because they go beyond the established laws of physics. Look in any newspaper and you’ll find stories about people who bump into strangers who go on to play a major part in their lives, or overhear a conversation that gives the clue to an unsolvable problem. Whenever something like this happens to you, take note and reflect on it. The more aware you are of the effect coincidences have on your life, the more able you are to make sense of them in the future.

Intuition versus emotion

I often hear people say, ‘Go with your feelings.’ This can be good advice, but be careful. Can we always trust our feelings? There is an enormous difference between a genuine intuitive feeling and an emotional feeling that arises from childhood conditioning or information misprocessing.

For example, you may have a choice of actions, but one of them fills you with trepidation. Is this because you have thought it through, or is it your intuition warning you, or an irrational fear programmed into your unconscious as a child?

How can you tell? The best way is to ask yourself:

  • Does this feel right at gut level (‘gut feel’)? The body usually offers an accurate steer. A tight feeling in the neck and shoulders could be a warning to tread carefully or delay making a decision until you have more information.

We experience something physically a split second before we intellectualize about it. Often this first feeling turns out to be the most reliable, because the brain has not yet had time to come up with a calculated or habitual response. Train yourself to be attentive, and you will register the feeling before the cognitive apparatus clicks into gear.

  • Also, be wary of ‘should’s and ‘shouldn’ts’. These and their close cousins ‘must’, ‘ought’, ‘have to’ etc. are usually indications of the ‘Parent’ voice – your programming and conditioning.
  • Ask, ‘Which option would provide me with the greatest sense of satisfaction?’ The stronger the feeling of fulfillment and contentment, the more likely it is to be pure intuition.

Intuition never sleeps. Once you recognise and trust it, it’s like having a wise being inside you, always on hand to offer inspiration, guidance and support. The more you have faith in it, the more reliable it is. Trust it 50%, and it will reward you 50%. Trust it 100%, and it will reward you 100%.

You won’t always like what your intuition is telling you, though. When we hear an answer we don’t like, we pretend we haven’t heard. But beware: ignore your intuition at your peril. Not only will invite unhappiness and frustration into your experience, you’ll find yourself facing similar situations again until you get the point!

 

©David Lawrence Preston, 4.5.2016

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Listening – the most essential communication skill

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‘Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice.’

 William Shakespeare

Listening is one way we show that we respect, appreciate and value others. It also shows that we are concerned for their well-being. It is the most important skill to develop if you want to improve your communication skills.

It’s often said that we have two ears and one mouth, and this is the correct ratio in which to use them. Not only will you become a special person for others, but you’ll be able to influence them, if you want to. But be careful – if you listen only to manipulate them, they’re unlikely to ever want anything to do with you again.

Why listen?

Why listen? There are a multitude of reasons, including:

  • To understand someone else’s views, attitudes and
  • To receive information or instructions.
  • To be entertained.
  • To discover what others really think of you.
  • To be able to to influence the course of events.

Don’t you like it when someone gives you their undivided attention? Isn’t this a special experience? Perhaps that’s why some people are willing to pay for an hour with a therapist – to have someone really listen!

Seek to understand before making yourself understood.

Dr Steven Covey

Three Levels of Listening

We listen on three levels, depending on how important we regard the exchange.

  1. Little or no attention

The mind is elsewhere, absorbed in our own thoughts. We nod and mutter in the right place, but we’re not really listening at all. Others are rarely fooled, of course – our body language and facial expression give us away. And it creates negative feelings. How do you feel when you’re not being listened to?

2. Pseudo-listening

Sometimes we only hear a small proportion of what is said because we’re not that interested. Examples include casual interchanges at social functions (i.e. ‘small talk’). We listen just carefully enough to respond to polite questions such as ‘How are you?’ or remarks about the weather.

Pseudo-listening includes allowing ourselves to be easily distracted, such as watching TV through the corner of an eye, looking at the clock and eavesdropping on other conversations nearby, or being distracted by the person’s physical make-up or clothing.

3. Perfect hearing

Perfect hearing only happens when we are genuinely interested and willing to give our full attention. It goes beyond listening to words; it uses all the senses, including the sixth sense, intuition. Perfect hearing means being fully involved, emotionally and intellectually.

Active Listening

A man went to see a counsellor about his marriage. The counsellor told him to go home and for two weeks listen to every word his wife said. He returned a fortnight later and reported that the situation was much improved.

‘Now go home,’ said the counsellor, ‘and listen to every word she’s not saying.’

This is indeed the art of listening – to hear the message behind the words, and then show that you’ve understood. Effective listening is not a passive activity: it’s not always easy to listen to everything that’s said, especially if:

  • You think the other person is waffling
  • You disagree with what they’re saying
  • They are expressing very strong feelings
  • You think they’re being aggressive
  • There are too many distractions
  • Your mind wanders off
  • You are busy rehearsing what you’re going to say.

Good listening does not mean indiscriminately accepting everything you hear or altering your own opinions without good cause – be flexible, but hold true to your own values.

Twelve rules of good listening

1. Be fully present

 Stop what you’re doing and focus your full attention on the other person. Look at their face, watch their eyes and observe their body language. Listen for the nuances in their tone of voice.

Emotions can get in the way of good communication. People who feel insecure, worried, suspicious, or hurt are simply not very receptive. Good listening requires energy. When you’re feeling low, you don’t feel as motivated to pay attention.

2. Take responsibility

If you find yourself getting emotional about the speaker has said, take a few deep breaths and calm and centre yourself.

The responsibility for making sure you understand the full message is yours. If you don’t hear, ask them to repeat it. If you don’t understand, ask. Take the initiative. Don’t leave it to the other person.

3. Make time

How often do we hear, ‘Sorry, too busy.’ ‘I’ve only got ten minutes. If you want more, you’ll have to make an appointment.’

Good listening takes time and patience, and the belief that others are worthy of your time.

4. Show that you are listening

Show that you are listening. Let them know they’ve been heard. Here’s a useful mnemonic: ‘SOFTEN’:

  • Smile and project your warmth
  • Adopt an Open posture (e.g. uncrossed arms/legs)
  • Lean Forward and Face them squarely
  • Use Touch (where appropriate)
  • Make Eye contact (but don’t stare)
  • Nod your head to show understanding and/or approval

Do these in a non-threatening manner. For example, touch can be a gesture of warmth and support, but it can also be misinterpreted. Similarly, prolonged eye contact can be disconcerting (3 to 4 seconds is quite sufficient). A useful tip is to gaze at the bridge of the nose rather than straight into the eyes – it’s less intimidating.

5. Don’t interrupt

Don’t interrupt unless seeking clarification. If you catch yourself interrupting, stop immediately, apologise, and invite them to continue. When the speaker has finished, count to three before replying. This way, you know they’re not just stopping to take a breath.

In some native North American cultures, in meetings only the person holding the ‘talking stick’ is allowed to speak. This way, they are listened to without interruption.

6. Observe body language

Reading body language is essential to pick up the message behind the words. Remember, there is eight times more information in a person’s nonverbal communication than in their words! For a real understanding of people, pay more attention to what they do than what they say – it’s very illuminating!

Here are some clues:

  • Eyes looking down or away – self-consciousness or guilt.
  • Pupils widen if they like what you are saying and narrow if they don’t.
  • Raised eyebrow – disbelief.
  • Rubbing the nose or pulling the ears – they don’t understand, even if they say they do.
  • Hand touching the mouth – anxious or trying to deceive.
  • Folded or crossed arms – nervous, shut off from you (or feeling cold!)
  • Tapping on a table or chair – nervousness or impatience.
  • Tremor in voice – nervousness.
  • Monotone voice – unemotional.
  • Shrugging the shoulders – indifference.
  • Facing you squarely, full height, smiling, head forward – confidence.

7. Focus on the content

Try to ignore extraneous factors, such as their appearance, accent, choice of words, grammar, etc. Their vocabulary may be limited, or you may not like their accent.

Feelings about the situation or environment in which the communication takes place can be barriers to understanding. For example, if you hate your job, it may easily colour every communication you have when at work. Unless we are aware, we tend to project our attitudes, beliefs and feelings onto other people, assuming they think, feel and respond as we do.

8. Check that you’ve heard correctly

This is a basic tenet of empathy. It reassures a person that you have been listening, and also paves the way further conversation. One way to do this is to try and put what you’ve heard into your own words and feed it back. There are several useful word patterns:

  • ‘You feel… because…’ (E.g. ‘You feel worried because you haven’t heard from your mother for several weeks.’)
  • ‘What I understand you to be saying is…’

Alternatively, reflect back what you heard in different words:

  • ‘So you don’t see much of a future in this job…’
  • ‘So you don’t think the scheme will work…’
  • ‘It seems to me you don’t think the relationship will last…’

(NB. Your choice of words should contain an element of the person’s thoughts and/or feelings and the events related to those feelings.)

If this is a new skill for you, use it sparingly at first. Practise with friends until you are confident you can do it without being obvious, and make sure your tone conveys an eagerness to understand – this is more important than ‘technical’ correctness.

9. If you’re still not clear, ask for clarification

If you’re still not clear, ask directly for clarification:’I’m sorry, I’m not sure I understand. Could you please explain…’

10. Use thinking time effectively

Our brains can process information four times faster than our vocal chords can deliver it, creating spare thinking time during conversations. Stay focused. Shut out distractions and you are less likely to miss important points.

11. Ask open questions

Open questions are an excellent way of showing interest, initiating a conversation and keeping it going. Closed questions require a brief answer, normally ‘yes’, ‘no’ or ‘don’t know’ (e.g. ‘What time is it?’ or ‘Do you agree?’). Open questions encourage the other person to speak. For example:

  • Tell me more about…
  • How do you mean?
  • In what way?

 12. Learn to cope with silence

Silence can be uncomfortable. Good listeners don’t assume the other person has nothing more to say when they stopped talking. During moments of silence, their mind is still active; this is when moments of insight can take place. So be patient, even if it feels disconcerting.

Intuitive Listening

Finally, be aware that we also receive and transmit information intuitively. We often get strong feelings about another person without necessarily knowing why – nothing in their speech or nonverbals explains it.

Women are generally believed to be better at this than men. For example, married men are often puzzled by their wives’ ability to sense what they are up to! One of the reasons for this is that the left and right hemispheres of the female brain are more connected to each other. They exchange more information more rapidly than for males, which is why women often appear to ‘just know’, leaving their men folk baffled as to how they know.

Never discount intuition or telepathy. They are real, albeit it scientifically unexplained.

©David Lawrence Preston, 24.4.2016

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Your Body Speaks Your Mind?

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I recently came across a book by a Belgian mystic, Christiane Berlandt. Entitled, ‘The Key to Self-Liberation,’ it promises to reveal the symbolism of the main organs (heart, lungs etc.) and other parts of the body (e.g. fingers, chin), plus the psychological origin of a thousand diseases. First published (by the author herself) in 1993, it is a weighty tome of over 700 pages.

There’s nothing new about such works, of course. Louise Hay has been ploughing this furrow for many years, ever since her multi-million selling book, ‘You Can heal Your Life’ was published in 1984. Grounded in the American 19th Century New Thought tradition, she states that we are all responsible for our own experiences, releasing resentment will dissolve even cancer, and we create every so-called ‘illness’ in our body. Now there may be some truth in these for some people, but for a scientific truth to be true it must true for everyone, everywhere and for all time – and there’s not a shred of evidence that any of these statements is universally true.

Sometimes Ms Hay’s well-meaning diagnoses are trite, to say the least. ‘When there are problems with the ears,’ she writes, ‘it usually means something is going on you do not want to hear.’ (Tell that to a child born hearing-impaired.) ‘Deafness represents long-standing refusal to listen to someone.’ (Tell that to a factory worker denied proper ear protection.)  ‘Problems with the eyes usually means there is something we do not want to see.’ ‘The arms represent our ability and capacity to embrace the experiences of life.’ (Tell that to a thalidomide victim or a soldier who has had his arms blown off in a war.) ‘Prostate problems have a lot to do with self-worth and also believing that as he gets older he becomes less of a man.’ Bollocks!

I find Debbie Shapiro’s work more satisfying and very sincere; however she is not immune from the same unproven statements so prevalent in Ms Hay’s work. I opened her book, ‘Your Body Speaks Your Mind’, at random. On page 125 I found, ‘The ribs surround and protect the organs in the chest,’ I read, ‘so they are like your sentinels, guarding your inner being.’ ‘If you have bruised or broken ribs, you need to ask yourself if you have let your guard down and allowed someone to get closer than you would prefer….’ Now I broke two ribs not long ago, and thought long and hard about this. Perhaps I’m missing something, but I couldn’t think of a single way this statement might be true.

Another work along the same lines is Lise Bourbeau’s ‘Love Yourself’ – 350,000 copies sold, according to the banner on the cover, ‘The most complete book on metaphysical causes of illness and diseases.’ ‘She is certain that any physical problem is simply the outward manifestation of dis-ease on psychological or emotional levels.’ I looked up ‘ribs’: a fractured rib, she writes, indicates that ‘the person has lost his armor, that he is unprotected and unable to defend himself.’ Impressive – she broadly agrees with Debbie Shapiro.

What does Ms Beerlandt have to say about the ears, ribs and prostate? Lots. Ears are about listening to our deepest selves; broken ribs about life being more than we can handle; and prostate about self-worth and daring to be yourself. Not much agreement there. Indeed, she puts almost every ailment down to some degree of anxiety, lack of self-awareness or low self-esteem.

Now I have no problem with the notion that the mind affects the body; indeed, I’d go even further and suggest that they are one, integral, inseparable. It’s common sense (and scientifically verifiable) that people who are under mental, emotional or physical stress, depressed, suffering from low self-esteem and so on are more likely to get ill. But human beings are different from each other. How can we say that one person’s, say, broken leg has the same root cause as another’s? How can we discount environmental and lifestyle factors, which we know have a huge impact on health? How can anyone seriously say that we – all of us, everywhere, at all times – create every so-called ‘illness’ in our body? Nice theory, but simply not true.

So where does Ms Beerlandt get her ‘evidence’? Now here’s the remarkable thing. She claims to ‘draw information from an inner source,’ ‘listening deep inside me via my heart and consciousness, to the deep language of life itself.’ (My italics). She writes, ‘the contents have nothing to do with scientific observation, but neither with channelling or guides…. I offer only deep, called-up information….’ What does this mean? That she dreamed it? Or just made it up?

For the record, I am absolutely convinced that the mind and body are interrelated. I agree without question that we can, in certain circumstances, create illnesses through our self-talk, beliefs and emotions. I agree wholeheartedly with those who say that, in certain circumstances, we can heal the body using the power of our minds because I have studied the evidence and met people who have actually done so.  But, sorry, when someone purports to convince me that when people have problems in certain parts of the body they can listen to the ‘deep language of life’ and tell me the cause, I’m sceptical.

© David Lawrence Preston, 28.3.2016

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Worry

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‘There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.’

Epictetus

Think of some problem or event from your past that was so big at the time that you literally worried yourself sick about it. Can you remember the outcome?

Worry is the opposite of faith. It’s a feeling of agitation brought about by mulling over what you don’t want. It is the misuse of your imagination. Research shows that 90% of what we worry about never happens, and the other 10% happens so rarely it’s not worth worrying about.

Worry causes more psychological problems than almost any other emotion. It’s like leaving your car in the garage all night with the engine running. You waste petrol, pollute the atmosphere and wear out the engine – but get nowhere.

Worrying about a problem never solved it. The best antidote is action. If you can do something about it – do it. If there’s nothing you can do, why worry – it won’t make any difference.

Try these:

  1. Start a worry box. Whenever you find yourself worrying about something, write it on a piece of paper and put it in the box. Then turn your attention elsewhere. (In reality, of course, you are allowing your intuitive unconscious mind to sort it out for you.) On the last day of each month, open the box. You will find that most of your worries never came to anything, or were not as bad as you imagined, or you were able to cope one way or another.
  1. Ask yourself what exactly you’re getting worked up about. Be honest, how likely is it to happen? Sometimes we worry about things that only have a tiny chance of occurring.
  1. Is it really that important? If the worst happened, could you handle it? Tell yourself you can. Once you know you can handle the worst, it eases your worries considerably.
  1. Activity distracts you from worry. Often whatever is worrying you resolves itself while your attention is on other things.
  1. Live one day at a time. Concentrate on what you can do now. Do the best you can each day and the future will take care of itself.
  1. Deep relaxation and meditation have enormous benefits. When your body is relaxed, the part of the mind which does the worrying is more relaxed too, so develop a calm disposition and ‘visualise’ yourself dealing with whatever life throws at you.

Back to my first question – did all that worrying make any difference? Probably not!

©David Lawrence Preston, 26.3.2016

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Your Inner Teacher

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Just suppose you had an ‘inner teacher’ who knew exactly what you needed to learn in any moment. Well you have.

It’s one of the functions of your intuition, housed in your unconscious mind.

If certain situations or thinking patterns bring about ‘negative’ emotions in you, your inner teacher makes sure you have more of these experiences until you get the message. In other words, if you handle a situation unskillfully you’ll get another opportunity to learn.

If there are patterns which you would like to change, reflect on the best way of handling them, clarify your intentions, examine your thinking and beliefs, mentally rehearse future situations  and adjust your words and actions.

Remember, your inner teacher doesn’t just rely on uncomfortable experiences to get its message across – it works for ‘positives’ too. If you’re experiencing good feelings, it’s your intuition saying, ‘You handled that perfectly. Congratulations!

©David Lawrence Preston, 9.3.2016

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Hatred

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Hatred is a strong sensation of dislike which usually comes from a feeling of deep hurt or loss. This can be real or imagined.

Like anger, hatred is most harmful to the one doing the hating. It doesn’t necessarily hurt the person being hated, but it surely hurts the hater – think of all those toxic chemicals sloshing round the body.

When you hate, it changes you but does nothing to change them. They cannot change your state of hating – only you can decide whether to remain in this self-destructive cycle or move out of it.

The best antidote to hatred is to be aware of your thoughts and change them. Use affirmations (e.g. ‘I am now letting go of all hate. I am becoming more tolerant and loving with each new day’).

Imagine a ray of peace and harmony going out to the other person, or that pure white light is surrounding you both. Back this up with action – if you can’t bring yourself to behave civilly to the other, at least you can stop yourself behaving uncivilly.

Just as the only way to eliminate darkness is to shine a light, only kind and loving thoughts and actions can dissolve hatred. Its very liberating to acknowledge everyone’s right to live as they choose.

©David Lawrence Preston, 8.3.2016

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