Conditions of worth

Posted on August 2, 2016 by David Lawrence Preston

Although the relationship you have with yourself is the most important, you also have to deal with the demands others place on you.

We are put under tremendous pressure in society to conform to attitudes and behaviour patterns which are not necessarily of our choosing, especially children. They assess their self-worth mainly by how others respond to them.

Some adults are very demanding and/or controlling. They judge their sons and daughters by some imaginary ideal that is not realistic, or (sometimes loudly and continually) compare them to other children. The result is children who feel defective and unloved, and who believes they are rejected by those they need and respect the most.

Self-esteem

You can easily determine a person’s level of self-esteem by the way they relate to others. People with low self-esteem often:-

Crave recognition and approval from others
Compare themselves unfavourably with others
Are daunted by others’ success
Are unable to speak up for themselves
Apologise a lot
Are easily upset by criticism
Are always criticising or blaming others
Have a boastful, rude or bullying nature as a defence
Gossip
Are excessively over-generous
Are unable to accept a compliment
Have a tendency to seek out others who have low self-esteem

Conditions of Worth

The criteria used by one person to gauge the ‘acceptability’ of another are called ‘Conditions of Worth’. The main ones are:

Physical appearance
Intelligence
Mode of speech
Performance
Money and possessions

When you were young, you were probably very concerned about what people thought of you. Children, of course, can be especially cruel. Have you ever heard schoolchildren mercilessly teasing a classmate who is overweight, has red hair or wears glasses? Or whose parents can’t afford the ‘right’ brand of clothing and footwear? How do you think the ‘victims’ feel? What does it do to their self-esteem?

Be your own person

No matter what has happened to you in the past, you can take responsibility for your thoughts and actions and evaluate yourself by your own criteria. Remember, you can’t change or control other people, but you can take charge of yourself. As Mahatma Gandhi said, ‘No-one can take away our self-esteem unless we give it to them.’

Naturally we all prefer to be liked and respected, but if we allow this to rule our lives, we’re giving away our personal power. Of course, there is nothing wrong enjoying a compliment, but it becomes a serious problem if our need for approval governs all our actions. What counts is self-approval – the conviction that we are valuable come what may.

Comparisons

Start by shunning comparisons. Avoid comparing yourself with others. You’ll always find people who are better than you at some things, and people who are worse. That’s the way it is.

The uncomfortable fact is that people treat you exactly the way you teach them to. You get back what you give out, so if you want to be treated differently, learn to give out different messages.

From now on, instead of pandering to others, give most value to what you think of yourself.

©David Lawrence Preston, 1.8.2016

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter @David_L_Preston

How to Books, 2010

Humans are emotional creatures

Posted on August 1, 2016 by David Lawrence Preston

We kid ourselves that we are intelligent, rational beings, but we’re not. Most humans are more inclined to act emotionally than ‘logically’, and emotions can ruin our ability to think clearly. Mastery of the emotions, especially the ability to stay calm under pressure and bounce back after defeat, is the key to success in many fields. We can all think of talented people who never made the most of their abilities because they lacked ’emotional intelligence’.

Emotions can bring us great joy, but they can also cause of misery, ill-health and frustration. But can we influence them? Can we change them altogether? Yes we can. But we must want to.

What Are Emotions?

‘Emotion’ comes from the Latin, ’emovere’, which means ‘to move’, ‘to excite’ or ‘to agitate’. An emotion is a strong feeling which involves both physical changes and changes in behaviour. It’s different from cognition (thinking) and from volition (willing and wanting), yet all three are related. Just as thinking and wanting involve feeling, so feeling involves thinking and wanting.

Our emotional responses were initially programmed into the primitive part of the brain in early childhood, before the ‘thinking mind’ or ‘intellect’ started to develop. For our first few years, all our behaviour was governed by the emotional centres in the brain. This is why children are so easily emotionally aroused, and why they are able to switch rapidly from, say, anger or tears to smiles.

Every emotional experience we ever had was stored away in the unconscious and continues to influence us long after the original incident took place. Children who are fortunate enough to enjoy caring parents and a safe, loving environment grow up feeling confident and secure. Children who feel unloved and ignored often develop emotional problems which can remain with them for life – unless they deal with them before it is too late.

Sometimes, childhood emotional experiences are so painful that they are repressed deep into the unconscious: this is the mind trying to protect us from the anxiety they would cause if we were fully aware of them. When this happens, they are beyond our conscious awareness but can be released in various ways.

This certainly doesn’t mean that if we had an unhappy childhood, we’re doomed. Not at all. As we mature, that other part of the mind – the intelligent, rational mind – develops. We learn that displays of emotion are not always the best way of getting what we want. We learn more adult ways of functioning.

Deep seated negative emotions

Obviously there is a big difference between momentary emotional discomfort and deep-seated emotional problems. If we find our energy and motivation starting to sag, there’s a lot we can do to get back on track. Similarly, if we’re about to face a stressful experience, there are ways of taking control and coping with the ordeal.

But if old emotional patterns are preventing us from making the best of ourselves, we can use the ‘reflective’ parts of the mind to work through and move beyond them. We can learn how to gently let go of irrational feelings so they no longer upset us; we can train ourselves to look for and use the lessons they offer us. This doesn’t mean ignoring or suppressing emotions – suppressing emotion is extremely dangerous in the long term and can result in serious physical and psychological illness.

We can’t always make an uncomfortable feeling go away especially if it’s deeply ingrained. But we can learn to handle it more effectively. Do this consistently over a period of time, and the discomfort eventually subsides. For example, anyone who has experienced divorce or bereavement knows that time is the great healer. Eventually we adjust to our new circumstances.

Why emotions affect people so differently

A few years ago, a newspaper carried a story about a man who was in a panic. He’d received a letter from the gas company threatening to cut off his supply because he hadn’t paid a £200 bill. They’d threatened him with a court order which would have authorised them to gain entry into his flat. ‘I’m so upset,’ he told the reporter, ‘I won’t sleep tonight.’

The irony was, he lived in an all-electric flat! It was simply a computer error. But why did it affect him so badly? Some would find the idea of the gas company showing up to turn off his non-existent gas supply quite amusing! He was worrying about something that couldn’t possibly happen – and that he knew couldn’t possibly happen. Others would have simply telephoned the company, and calmly sorted it out.

So why the difference? It boils down to the fact that our emotional problems are not for the most part caused by events and circumstances, but by our beliefs, attitudes and reactions. A harsh lesson for some – but true.

Our emotions, like every part of our physical and psychological make-up, have a purpose. We wouldn’t have them otherwise. In essence, they are a fast response feedback mechanism. If things go the way we want, or expect, or are used to, we feel good. If not, we feel bad. Emotions steer us towards what seems safe, comfortable and pleasurable and away from anything which might be uncomfortable. They are born out of our perceptions of what is pleasurable and what could cause ‘pain’.

The important word here is perceptions. But what happens if our perceptions are misguided?

For example, say you are facing a difficult interview for a job you really want. Your stomach is churning. You may want to ‘bottle out’ but if you do you may miss out on a golden opportunity. Scarcely anyone has ever been killed or injured attending an interview. The worst that can possibly happen is that you dry up or you can’t answer all the questions. Embarrassing but hardly life threatening. So you go ahead anyway, ignoring the emotions – because you know the benefits of getting the job will outweigh the ‘pain’ in the longer term.

We can easily be misled by our own feelings. Just because something feels wrong, it doesn’t necessarily follow that it is wrong. Similarly, just because something feels right, it doesn’t automatically follow that it is right.

Emotions often feel the same as intuitions. Both affect us physically, but there’s a world of difference between an intuitive feeling and an emotional response programmed into the brain when we were young. If it’s genuinely the intuition, we would be foolish to ignore it. But if it is merely emotional conditioning, we could easily be deceived. Sometimes it is best to just feel the fear and do it anyway.

How do you know whether it’s your intuition or emotional programming? That’s the question!

Can we control our emotions?

Think of a time when you were so angry you could quite easily have hurt someone, but you didn’t. What happened? The rational part of your brain clicked into gear, reminded you of the consequences and halted you in your tracks. You knew you would be worse off in the long term if you carried on, so you dealt with it some other way.

We can’t always prevent ourselves from feeling an emotion; the primitive part of the brain tends to click into gear without conscious direction. But unless we have a neurological condition we can control our response. Occasionally, emotions may appear to ‘just come over us’, but that hides the reality. Emotions come from inside. We create them. No-one else can make us feel anything without our participation.

We don’t have to – and shouldn’t always – go with our feelings. Follow them when warranted, and disregard them when you realise that they’re obstructing you progress or leading you into unwanted consequences.

And remember – the Law of Cause and Effect operates irrespective of your emotional programming!

©David Lawrence Preston, 1.8.2016

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter @David_L_Preston

How to Books 2010

Self-esteem is happiness and success

Posted on July 31, 2016 by David Lawrence Preston

Self-esteem is happiness, success and a whole lot besides. It governs your behaviour in every area of your life and without it you’ll almost certainly underachieve.

Self-esteem is the experience of feeling that you’re worthy of happiness and capable dealing with life. It’s a combination of self-confidence (beliefs about your capabilities) and self-respect (beliefs about your value and worthiness). It’s closely related to your self-image – the way you see yourself – and is absolutely fundamental to everything you do.

For example:

People with low self-esteem always underachieve. A poor self-image effectively places a glass ceiling on your achievements.
It’s also at the root of many health and psychological issues such as weight problems and most eating disorders.
Much crime is caused by drugs, unemployment and/or poverty – all heavily influenced by low self-esteem.
People with low self-esteem usually have problems in their relationships and social lives. Their constant need for reassurance can impose an intolerable strain on any relationship.
It’s the fundamental cause of most marriage breakdown, parent-child friction and sexual problems.
If you feel good about yourself, you are more willing to try new things and meet new people. You’re also more likely to be successful in competitive activities such as sport.
If you have high self-esteem, you’re more likely to be interested in self-development because you know you’re worth it.

Your self-esteem is made up of three core sets of beliefs and feelings about yourself:

The value you place on yourself; your feelings of self-worth. Key words: ‘I deserve’;

Your beliefs about your ability to cope with life’s challenges, solve problems and think for yourself; your feelings of competence. Key words: ‘I can’;

Your beliefs about the way you fit into society and relate to others. Key words: ‘I belong’ and ‘I am accepted’.

How you feel about yourself varies from day to day, hour to hour and situation to situation. You may be confident at work, but not in social settings; you may regard yourself as a kind and loving person, but hate your body. And so on.

Your self-image covers:

Your physical make-up: health, fitness and appearance.
Your emotional nature, e.g. are you a loving person, caring and considerate, or beset with anger, worry, guilt or fear?
Your intellectual make-up: your knowledge, qualifications, skills and intelligence.
Your social standing: beliefs about what other people think of you and whether you feel comfortable in social situations.

You are probably more deserving and more capable than you think. Remember, most of us only ever use 5-10% of our abilities – perhaps less. This means that over 90% of your talents waiting to be discovered and used. Isn’t that exciting!

How your self-esteem was formed

Your self-esteem was more or less established by the time you reached eight or nine years old. By then, the average child has already received over one hundred thousand negative injunctions from adult authority figures. The accumulated effect over many years can be very destructive.

Here are some examples from my own observations:

A seven year-old girl is struggling to keep up with Mum on the way to school. ‘Come on. Hurry up,’ says Mum. ‘Mum’s cross with me,’ she thinks, ‘I’m not good enough.’
A twelve year-old boy volunteers to take over the drum stool in a school concert at the last minute. During the rehearsal, he misses a beat. ‘I thought we had an intelligent drummer,’ sneers the teacher. (Sarcasm is very damaging to children; they take most things adults say literally.)
As a girl, Diane was repeatedly told that ‘overeating runs in the family’. By the age of thirty, she is three stone overweight. On a similar theme, John, an obese 52 year-old, has a compulsion to eat everything put in front of him because, as a boy, he wasn’t allowed to leave the table until he’d cleared his plate.
A small girl picks up a bag of sweets in a supermarket and asks her Mum if he can have them. ‘No you can’t’ comes the reply. ‘They’ll make your teeth drop out and you’ll be even uglier than you are now.’

Incidents such as these cause leave a child emotionally scarred for many years.

Sadly, many people go through life believing that they are unable to overcome their conditioning, but it is simply not true. Many happy and successful people suffered as children. In most cases, it they simply decided not to let it hold them back.

Without high self-esteem you’ll always feel as if someone else is in control of your life, but the exciting thing is, no matter what your background or your current level of self-esteem, you can improve. Big improvements can be made in as little as 3-6 months.

Forgive your parents

Whatever your childhood experiences, commit yourself to the first two steps to higher self-esteem:

1. Decide to do something about it.

2. Forgive your parents.

Forgiving your parents is one of the most liberating things you can do. Continuing to blame them for your lack of self-esteem prevents you from developing a healthy, adult relationship with them. After all, they were products of their own conditioning, and they probably did the best they knew how, struggling to raise you whilst coping with all the other pressures of life.

Whether they deserve to be forgiven or not is not the point. You’re only hurting yourself by hanging on to all that ‘stuff’. You owe it to yourself to be free of all the resentment and bitterness you’ve been carrying.

Remember, it is not the people, events and circumstances in your past that determine your confidence and self-esteem, but your beliefs about those people and events.

©David Lawrence Preston, 30 7.2016

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter @David_L_Preston

How to Books, 2010

Hope for insomnia sufferers

Posted on June 4, 2016 by David Lawrence Preston

As a sufferer myself for many years, I have taken a close interest in the causes and remedies for sleep disturbances and insomnia.

Insomnia is the inability to fall asleep or to stay asleep as long as we want. It comes in many forms and has many causes. Primary insomnia is a chronic, longstanding problem that bears little relationship to current conditions. Secondary insomnia occurs when sleeplessness is related to other issues in a person’s life, for instance, health concerns, money worries, pain, anxiety and depression.

More than a third of adults have problems sleeping and one in ten consider it a major problem in their lives. The groups most at risk are the over-60s, people suffering from emotional stress, shift workers and those who frequently travel through different time zones.

The day can be a real struggle if we haven’t had a good night’s sleep. Energy and performance levels suffer and we can become anxious, accident prone and bad tempered. Poor quality sleep can result in memory loss, poor concentration, indecisiveness, low libido, headaches, depression and many other problems.

Ironically, the thing that prevents people sleeping the most is worrying that they won’t be able to sleep! We can’t ‘make’ ourselves go to sleep and more than we can make ourselves remember things.

Insomnia can be categorised in various ways:

Transient/short term (less than a week). This can be caused by other factors, such as changes in the sleep environment (noise, heat, light, cold etc.), timing of sleep, stress, jetlag, digestive problems, and so on.
Acute/medium term (up to a month). Acute insomnia is usually stress and/or worry related.
Chronic/long term (more than a month). This can be caused by other disorders such as high levels of stress, trauma, fatigue, heightened sensitivity to light and noise, and so on.
Initial – difficulty falling asleep when first getting into bed. Initial insomnia is commonly due to emotional disturbances, anxiety, phobic states and depression.
Matutinal insomnia – waking early in the morning and being unable to get back to sleep. Early morning waking can be a sign of depression and is also common with ageing.
Inverted sleep rhythm – the sufferer doesn’t feel sleepy at bedtime and may feel tired during the day. This is very common when people take sedatives.

Common remedies

There are many things you can try if you suffer from insomnia without resorting to drastic measures like sleeping pills. The following remedies have varying degrees of success:

1. A change of habits

A simple change of habits is unlikely to offer relief for chronic and acute insomnia.

Try to maintain regular bed times and waking times, including at weekends.
Use the bed only for sleep and sex, not work.
Eat at least two hours before you go to bed. Late eating can cause indigestion, which disturbs sleep. Drinking close to bedtime can also disturb your sleep.
A regular waking time in the morning strengthens the circadian function and helps with getting to sleep at night.
Exposure to natural light during the day aids sleep.
Avoid stimulants (especially caffeine) after 6pm. An early evening drink such as chamomile tea can be helpful.
Avoid alcohol – it may help you fall asleep but will dehydrate you, causing you to wake early with a dry mouth and throat.
Exercise regularly, but don’t do anything strenuous within three hours of bedtime. Regular exercise makes it easier to fall asleep and helps you sleep more deeply, but can make sleep more difficult if too close to bedtime.
Clear your mind. If your mind is over active as bedtime approaches, write your worries down and make a list of things you have to do tomorrow.
Nightly rituals can send a strong message to the unconscious that it is time for sleep, for example, a warm bath, listening to soothing music or reading something calming.
If you need to make up for a few lost hours, have a daytime nap rather than sleeping late. You can catch up on your sleep without disturbing your natural sleep-wake rhythm. Nap in the early afternoon, and limit it to thirty minutes.
If you find yourself getting sleepy way before your bedtime, do something mildly stimulating to avoid falling asleep. If you give in to the drowsiness, you may wake up during the night and have trouble getting back to sleep.

2. Relaxation and Meditation

Some people have eased their sleeping problems by practising physical and mental relaxation, mindfulness practice and meditation. Deep, rhythmic breathing helps enormously if you want to get to sleep. Combine it with visualising a peaceful scene.

Practise during the day so that the skill is ingrained when you need it. Two twenty-minute daily sessions can be helpful, and you can use a self-hypnosis/relaxation audio tape or DVD if it helps.

3. Over-the-counter (OTC) remedies

OTC remedies include herbs such as valerian and chamomile and various synthetic preparations. The main active ingredient in OTC sleeping pills is antihistamine. While the positive effects have not been medically verified through research, side effects such as next-day drowsiness, feeling off balance, constipation, urinary retention and dry mouth can be common. There are also questions about their effectiveness and safety in the long-term. As with any medication, it is advisable to consult your doctor before taking OTC sleep aids.

4. Pharmaceutical remedies

Pharmaceutical remedies include sleeping pills and other medications not specifically for insomnia but which cause drowsiness. In general, sleeping pills and sleep medications are most effective when used sparingly for short-term conditions, such as traveling across time zones or recovering from medical procedures.

Many doctors do not recommend use of prescription drugs over a long period due to the risk of side effects and addiction. Also, you may build up a tolerance, which means that you will have to take more and more for them to work. Recent research has also shown that they do not affect everyone equally: some are less effective for older people, while others actually work better in the over 65s. If in doubt, consult your doctor.

Of course, sleeping pills don’t cure the underlying cause of insomnia, and can even make the problem worse in the long run. You may come to rely on sleeping pills, and then be unable to sleep without them, and if you stop the medication abruptly, have withdrawal symptoms, such as nausea, sweating and shaking.

Note – it is illegal to drive in some countries after taking some sleeping medications.

5. Psychotherapy

If insomnia is caused by psychological factors, psychotherapy or even hypnosis may be used. The most common form is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). CBT assumes that changing dysfunctional thinking or seeing it differently leads to changes in feelings and behaviour. CBT has been shown to be effective for the treatment of a variety of conditions including anxiety, low self-confidence, phobias and relationship problems.

6. Bioenergetic Approaches

Various devices have been developed in the past half century which use the clinically proven technology of low frequency, short duration, low intensity magnetic pulses to influence body tissues.

The Earth produces natural magnetic fields (Pulsed ElectroMagnetic Fields or PEMF) which are fundamental to our health and wellbeing. These fields are a natural feature of our environment and as necessary for our health as good food, fresh water, warmth, sunlight and oxygen. PEMF in the natural world varies from 0-30 Hz (Hertz). The Earth’s magnetic field resonates at 11 Hz, waves from the atmosphere (known as ‘Shuman Waves’) and geomagnetic frequencies from the earth below at 7.8 Hz. Waves around this level are energising and healthy. Too high, and the brain is too highly aroused making sleep difficult. Alarmingly, many household appliances give off at least 50-60 Hz, and (even more alarmingly) computers and mobile (cell) phone even more.

PEMF therapeutic appliances aim to counter the harmful effects of man-made fields with pulsed, low level frequencies. They come in various guises. You can lie on a magnetic field mat costing two or three thousand pounds or more, or place a small device on the body, or wear one on the wrist. PEMF therapy, used daily – has many benefits. In essence, PEMF re-energises the cells, and in addition, have been shown to lower cortisol (the stress hormones) levels, improve sleep quality, blood pressure and cholesterol levels and relax the muscles.

It is my hope that one day – soon – PEMF technology will be accepted by the medical profession so that it can help many more people. Let’s see!

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter, @David_L_Preston

Important

Nothing in this article is intended as a substitute for professional medical advice. Always consult a doctor if you have any health concerns that may require diagnosis or treatment. Any statements made concerning products and services represent the opinion of the author alone.

Building Self-Esteem in Children

Posted on June 4, 2016 by David Lawrence Preston

Whether a parent, teacher or simply a friend of the family, the most important thing an adult can do for a child is to help build their confidence and self-esteem.

High self-esteem can only be learned from parents who have solid sense of their own self-worth.

How can we place self-esteem at the heart of our work raising children? Here are some tips (born of hard-won experience!):

Once it was believed that all that was required of a parent was to feed, clothe, educate and discipline their children. Nowadays, it is recognised that psychological ‘food’ is just as important. Tell them you love them, often. Give them plenty of hugs (these provide a feeling of security).

Don’t just tell them how to behave – show them. Young children model themselves on their adult caretakers. They learn best by example and soon observe if their parents’ words and deeds to not match up. Work on your own self-esteem and demonstrate it in your words and actions.

Spend time doing things together. In a recent study, working parents claimed to give their children an average of an hour a day, but observation revealed that they gave them their full attention for less than five minutes! Listen to them. Help them, but don’t take over: let them learn to do it for themselves. Just being with them and letting them talk about the issues in their lives (however trivial they may seem to you) – is equivalent to telling them you love them.

What you say to children – and how you say it – matters. Adults are often unaware of the hidden messages expressed in their tone of voice, facial expression and body language. Avoid disparaging remarks – a hurtful remark taken to heart by a child can have long-lasting repercussions. Never use sarcasm. Children don’t understand it. They find it confusing and unsettling.

Don’t lie. Children find it hard to understand why adults tell them not to lie and then lie themselves. How can a child make sense of an adult who says one thing and then does another?

Children who are told they are stupid, clumsy, ugly etc. grow up believing it – whatever the truth. Children don’t have the ability to reason as adults. They take it all on board.

Don’t compare them with other children. ‘Why don’t you work as hard as Johnny?’ is more likely to result in children resenting Johnny than making a greater effort themselves.

Of course children need discipline. Even the best behaved children have to be told off from time to time. When this is necessary, comment on their behaviour, not on their character. Point out what they have done wrong and how they can do better next time. Reassure them you love them. This way, children keep their dignity while learning to correct their mistakes. Children respond best to loving support, not verbal abuse.

If the offence is serious, isolate them for a short time. Send them to their room, alone. This gives them an opportunity to cool off and reflect on what they’ve done.

When they behave well, reward them. A smile, a word and a hug do wonders for morale. But don’t be drawn into bribery. Good behaviour is better taught than bought!

However, excessive or insincere praise can be damaging. If everything a child does is ‘fantastic’, then nothing is special. Children recognise empty words; unwarranted praise gives a child the impression that second-rate is good enough.

Set a good example by setting your own goals, and help children to set goals too. Be sensitive though: too much pressure can build resentment and make them give up altogether.

Gradually give children more responsibility. Make them accountable for their actions by accepting the consequences. For instance, if they forget their lunch box, make them go without – they won’t forget again. Sheltered children rarely cope well as adults. The ultimate goal of a good parent is to teach them to stand on their own feet, and be happy, competent, fulfilled and contributing members of society.

All parents know they day they’re born that one day their children will grow up and leave the nest. When they are ready, let go. Your job is done.

©David Lawrence Preston, 4.6.2016

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter @David_L_Preston

How To Books 2010

The Law of Laws – Cause and Effect

Posted on May 31, 2016 by David Lawrence Preston

Cause and Effect is the Law of Laws. It states that for every result or thing that exists, there is a cause, and every action has an effect. When you throw a pebble into a pond, the ripples spread out from the centre in ever-widening circles. So it is with our actions. Good actions are causes. They create good effects; bad actions create bad effects. The effects spread outwards, affecting other lives to a greater or lesser degree.

Actions are causes, so are words and non-verbal forms of communication such as facial expressions and gestures, and also non-visible things such as attitudes and emotions. However, the chief causes are thoughts, since every action is preceded by a thought.

We reap what we sow

We reap what we sow – but not necessarily where we sow. Every thought, word and action eventually returns to us.

When we lay down good causes by thinking good thoughts and acting on them, blessings return to us – love, prosperity, health and kindness etc. But actions resulting from thoughts of selfishness, greed, ignorance, malice and so on also have consequences. They set up a chain reaction which eventually returns to hurt us.

The Law of Cause and Effect reminds us that we get out of life exactly what we put into it, and when we change the causes, we get different results. We cannot get something for nothing and if we try, we will eventually be caught out. Knowing this brings order and purpose to the mind and enables us to fulfill our deepest desires.

Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you sow. Lay down the right causes each moment and the right results will surely follow.

©David Lawrence Preston, 31.5.2016

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter @David_L_Preston

How To Books, 2007

Beliefs

Posted on May 19, 2016 by David Lawrence Preston

Mahatma Gandhi said, ‘We often become what we believe ourselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. When I believe I can, I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn’t have it in the beginning.’

Empowering beliefs are essential for success in any area of life. Imagine: you crave a loving relationship, but you believe you’re not very attractive and no-one likes you all that much. If that is truly your belief and you speak and act upon it (that is, give it energy), it helps shape your reality.

Many of our beliefs are never questioned, yet form the basis of how we go about our lives.

Negative beliefs form a vicious cycle. First you are exposed to them. Then you buy into them. Then they become part of you, you argue for them and reinforce them, only acknowledging evidence that supports them and ignoring any evidence – however strong – to the contrary. Criticise a person’s beliefs, and they feel under attack.

Hanging on to dis-empowering beliefs is like trying to go forward with the car in reverse gear. No matter how much you want something, if you don’t believe you can have it or you feel unworthy, you’ll settle for less than you could have had, and less than you deserve.

Get your beliefs working for you

Beliefs don’t have to be true to impact on our lives – in fact, the most damaging beliefs are rarely true. That’s because we see the world through a ‘screen’ made up of our perceptions and our understandings of reality rather than ‘reality’ itself. We base our decisions on our perceptions, which are heavily influenced by our beliefs.

In a very real sense, when we change our beliefs, we change some aspect of our lives. The bigger the belief, the bigger the change. On reflection, you’ll discover that the main power drains are your fears and other limiting beliefs. If you believe life is too difficult and you are not cut out for success, you’re right – it is, and you’re not!

What are beliefs?

A belief is any set of thoughts or ideas that you accept as true.

Our strongest beliefs usually concern ‘the way it is’. They include religious ideas, moral values and ‘do’s’ and ‘don’ts’ such as respect for law and order, family responsibilities and loyalty to one’s country or community.

All beliefs are learned, some in childhood and some as we develop and mature, for instance, from conversations we have with friends and people we trust, plus teachers, role models and the media.

Childhood programming and conditioning plays a major part. But beliefs also arise from:

How we interpreted our juvenile experiences;
New knowledge we acquired as we matured; and
The results of anything we attempted or achieved when we branched out on your own.

There is, however, another way that beliefs can be formed: We can consciously and deliberately create them. We can also change unhelpful beliefs, including restricting beliefs about ourselves.

Did you used to believe in Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy? Do you still? Probably not. These are among the many beliefs you changed when they no longer seemed appropriate.

Once a belief takes root:

The mind continually searches for the evidence to prove that it is right, whether the belief is demonstrably true or false or impossible to prove either way.
We behave in accordance with the belief. So, for instance, every time we try to outperform what we believe we’re capable of, we encounter resistance from within. When this happens, only by changing our inner beliefs will our most challenging goals be achieved.

As an adult, you, and you alone, decide what to believe or continue to believe. Other people have their opinions, but they only affect your belief system if you allow them.

Great Expectations

To succeed at anything, you first have to believe that you can do it. Low expectations bring mediocre results and high expectations bring outstanding results. But, on the other hand, expecting to fail is like entering a boxing ring with your hands tied behind your back.

Many studies have shown that raising young people’s expectations of themselves undoubtedly raises their level of achievement. That’s why young people with high achieving parents are likely to follow suit, because they take on the positive expectations of their parents. Positive expectations create confidence, commitment and better performance.

Expectations are powerful messages sent to the unconscious mind. When we expect the best and act accordingly (that is, input energy), we usually get it!

Disputing unhelpful beliefs

After exhaustive research, Dr Albert Ellis (one of the founders of cognitive behavioural psychology) demonstrated that irrational beliefs are the main causes of emotional disorders such as panic attacks, phobias, anxiety and low self-esteem. In other words, these crippling emotions are not caused by the events and circumstances of our lives, but by our beliefs– in other words, what we tell ourselves about them.

In his ‘ABC’ model:

‘A’ is any ‘Activating Event’ which leads to an emotional or behavioural response;

‘C’ the ‘Consequence’, i.e. the emotion itself.

However, ‘C’ is not caused directly by ‘A’. ‘C’ is caused by:

‘B’ – our beliefs (attitudes or thoughts) about ‘A’.

Here’s an actual example. One morning a friend spotted her neighbour pegging out her washing. She shouted ‘hello’, but there was no response. She was baffled, then hurt, then angry. No-one likes to be ignored. How could she treat her like this?

In order to feel this way, she would have to (1) believe certain things about her neighbour’s behaviour, and (2) judge that behaviour good or bad Had she unknowingly upset her, perhaps? But there are other possible explanations. She may have not heard her and been preoccupied with other matters. She may have had no intention of causing offence.

My friend’s emotional response depended on her beliefs about her neighbour, whether she thought she was deliberately ignoring her, and how serious being ignored was to her. This is where ‘disputing’ comes in. Disputing is examining one’s beliefs about a situation that triggers negative feelings and challenging them. Are they true? Where’s the evidence that she deliberately snubbed her? Are there alternative explanations which cast a different light on the incident?

Disputing an unhelpful belief involves asking yourself:

What else could this (situation, memory, behaviour etc.) mean?
How else could it be described?
Did I miss something?
What positive value could it have?
What have I learned from it that will benefit me in future?

Disputing enables you to find alternative explanations and perhaps realise that you needlessly undersold yourself or took offence for no good reason. Keep challenging the negative belief until the unwanted feeling subsides. Deeply entrenched beliefs do not usually dissolve in an instant, but they will in time if you persevere.

(PS: The following day my friend discovered that her neighbour’s mother had died during the night and she was about to rush off to make the funeral arrangements. How do you think she felt given this new information?)

Disputing is not intended as a method for suppressing emotion (which is unwise), but for examining the belief about an incident that triggered an emotion, taking a different attitude to it, and finding better ways of responding. It can be used in current situations or to work through situations which have set off uncomfortable emotions in the past.

Inquiry

A second way of challenging a redundant belief is to use Byron Katie’s technique, ‘Inquiry’ or ‘The Work’. Her book, ‘Loving What Is’, is essential reading for anyone intending to move forward in their lives but finding themselves held back by restrictive beliefs.

Byron Katie argues that the main source of unhappiness is allowing our thoughts to argue with reality. Wanting the world to be different to how it is, she points out, is like trying to teach a cat to bark!

As we have seen in a previous blog, thoughts which argue with reality are often characterised by words like ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’.

The Inquiry method involves:

1. Asking yourself four questions:

Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
How do you react when you think that thought?
Who would you be without the thought?

2. Turning it around.

If your belief involves another person, put your own name instead of theirs.
Or try the extreme opposite – e.g. turn should into shouldn’t.

The Inquiry method takes practice, and is well worth mastering. For full details, visit www.thework.com/

Now you! Reflect:

Do you believe in yourself?
Are you influenced or controlled by any beliefs that you know are not true? Where do you think they came from?
Do you believe you create your own circumstances? Or that life is something that happens to you?
Do you believe that there is always a way to achieve your goals?

How different would your life be if you really believed in yourself? It’s time to find out!

©David Lawrence Preston, 19.5.2016

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter

How To Books, 2004

How your imagination can give you a lift

Posted on May 6, 2016 by David Lawrence Preston

The poet, John Masefield, wrote, ‘Man’s body is faulty, his mind untrustworthy, but his imagination has made him remarkable.’

Albert Einstein, one of the geniuses of the 20^th Century, said, ‘Imagination is more important than knowledge. It is a preview of life’s coming attractions.’

When asked where he got ideas for his paintings, Vincent Van Gogh replied, ‘First I dream my painting, then I paint my dream.’

This is how life is too. We imagine how are lives will be, then busily set about living as our imagination dictates. We create an image of ourselves, and become the image we have created.

What is ‘imagination’?

Imagination is bringing to mind something that is not wholly present in a material sense. It the very essence of our creativity. A good imagination is not just the preserve of children and artists – it is part of everyone’s mental equipment.

There are two forms of imagination:

Artificial imagination rearranges old ideas, concepts or plans into new combinations. We can bring past events and experiences into the imagination.

Creative imagination is the means by which new ideas, hunches and inspirations are received. We can imagine future events and experiences. We can imagine things that never existed. We can imagine the likely consequences of our actions. We can also imagine things we cannot detect through our senses – Beethoven for instance, could imagine musical sounds after he went deaf.

Everything we do starts out as a thought or picture in our mind. Indeed, everything that has ever been created by a human being originated as a thought or mental image. Stonehenge, television, the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, Great Wall of China, the internet, Apollo moon landings….. all started out as ideas. Any idea, even the briefest flash of insight, that is acted upon with ingenuity and determination eventually takes a tangible form.

The imagination develops and strengthens with use, just as any muscle of the body can become stronger. It can bring hope – or utter despair. It can also stimulate the emotions and affect the physical body. So begin applying your imagination to:

Your home – how might you improve the inside, the outside, the garden, make it more interesting, comfortable, pleasing?
Your work – how could you make it more fun, more useful, more productive?
Relationships: How could you be a better husband/wife/son/daughter/ parent/friend etc.?
Your personality – how could you overcome unwanted habits and bring your ideal self-image into reality?

Imagination in practice

Nowadays:

Sportsmen and women use their imaginations (in the form of creative imagery) to help them win matches and break world records.
Business executives use it to help secure lucrative contracts, make better sales presentations and earn promotion.
Medical practitioners (complementary therapists and mainstream practitioners) teach patients to rid themselves of serious diseases using relaxation and creative imagery.
Well-known entertainers use creative imagery to improve their confidence and banish stage fright.
Students learn better using creative imagery and autosuggestion, improve their memories and reduce the stress of exams.

Let’s take a look at some of the achievements made possible by these remarkable techniques.

Sport

When the Berlin Wall fell, it came to light that among the most jealously guarded secrets of the East German State were the training methods used by Eastern bloc athletes. Performance enhancing drugs were not the whole story by any means. A Bulgarian psychiatrist, Dr Georgi Lozonov, pioneered a new method of mental training that incorporated deep relaxation and creative imagery. In the West, experiments had demonstrated the power of visualisation and mental rehearsal in sport, but they had not been as widely or thoroughly applied.

It is now accepted that if you imprint winning images into your mind at a deep enough level, you greatly increase your chances of success.

Any professional athlete will tell you that mental training is equally as important as the physical, but the benefits are not restricted to professionals – they’re available to everyone (including those who rarely break into a sweat).

Business

Prior to important sales calls, negotiations, job interviews and presentations etc., many top business executives ‘mentally rehearse’. They take time to relax, ‘see’ themselves acting and speaking calmly and confidently, signing the contract, accepting the promotion. By the time they come to do it for real, the situation holds no fear for them and they perform at their best.

Education

Students use deep relaxation and creative imagery to improve their memory, lose their fear of exams and stay calm. For instance, Steve was worried about his exams. With less than a month to go and a university place at stake, he prepared a précis of the information he would need in the exam. He recorded it onto a CD and listened to it in ‘Alpha’ several times a day. He visualised himself in the exam room, feeling calm. He used the ‘thumb and fingers trigger’ to help him feel cool and composed quickly and easily and used a powerful memory affirmation.

Steve comfortably achieved his grades. ‘I thought I’d cheated the system,’ he said, ‘until I realised I’d just discovered a way to make my mind work better – and surely that’s what it’s all about.’

Healing

Creative imagery is a vital tool for practitioners of complementary therapies and also mainstream medicine to help patients maintain good health and recover from serious diseases, including cancer, arthritis and heart disease.

Cancer surgeons and authors Dr Carl Simonton and Dr Bernie Segal taught their patients to visualise tumours reversing and cancer disappearing. The heart specialist Dr Dean Ornish used creative imagery in conjunction with nutrition, physical exercise and group therapy to clear coronary heart blockages. All three have written extensively about their work.

I have known people with physical conditions such as Irritable Bowel Syndrome, muscular aches and pains, frozen shoulders, eczema and psychosomatic conditions as varied as blushing, exam nerves, fear of flying, bed wetting and numerous phobias find relief this way.

Entertainment

Actors, musicians, comedians etc. use mental rehearsal to perfect their routines. It is also widely taught to aspiring stars of stage and screen.

A young music student consulted me about stage fright a few years ago. She was taking beta blockers to try and calm her nerves, but they weren’t having much effect. I advised her to do a daily relaxation and visualisation exercise. Within six weeks of daily practice, most of the symptoms were gone and she was able to come off the drugs. Three months later she played the solo part in a difficult Mozart Concerto in front of a large audience.

Summary

There are thousands of well documented examples of creative imagery making a huge impact on performance in all areas of life. The techniques are not difficult to learn (I’ll spell them out in future blogs), but need to be practised regularly, then you can use mental rehearsal as a vital part of your preparation whatever your activities or interests.

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter @David_L_Preston

How To Books, 2004

A Great Teaching of the Master: Non-resistance

Posted on April 26, 2016 by David Lawrence Preston

Non-resistance is one of the greatest teachings of the Master Yeshua. It is not unique to him – all the great religions teach the same. It is closely related to forgiveness.

According to the Sec0nd Gospel (‘Matthew’), Yeshua said ‘You have heard it said, ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I tell you, don’t resist him who is evil; but whoever strikes you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also.’ [1]

Obviously, he didn’t mean this literally. Yeshua was a skilled public speaker; he knew how to use symbolism and metaphor to get his message across. He was simply telling his audience, don’t resist, let it go; don’t meet evil with evil, instead – sow the good.

In saying this, he was reinforcing a passage in the Hebrew Scriptures[2]: “Do not say, ‘I will do unto others as they have done unto me; I will pay them back for what they have done.’”

Non-resistance is about overcoming negative thoughts of judgement, blame and vengeance with loving thoughts of acceptance, harmony and peace, and then allowing our speech and actions to concur. Of course, this is not always easy to do, but it is the only way for peace of mind.

When we feel attacked, abused or insulted, we should let go and let the universe handle it through the natural Law of Cause and Effect/Karma. Others have to face up to their responsibilities and learn from them, just as we do. We need do nothing. Lessons will be learned and natural justice will be done.

In the greater scheme of things fighting evil with evil simply doesn’t work. As Mahatma Gandhi (one of the greatest modern proponents of non-resistance) put it, – ‘An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.’ Besides, we all know revenge doesn’t change what happened and that anger merely clouds our judgement; it can lead to unwise actions which inadvertently sabotage our happiness and well-being.

I’m not saying it’s easy, but intuitively I think most people understand the sense of what I’m saying.

Some years ago I came across an idea which I’ve found very helpful in understanding and practising forgiveness and non-resistance. When we’re stressed, angry, facing tough challenges and finding it hard to see a way through, we should ask ourselves not, ‘Why did this happen tome,’ but ‘Why did this happen for me?’

Why is this so valuable? Because everything that happens does so for a reason although we may not see it at the time. If we respond wisely, it contributes to our spiritual growth.

We live in a world of appearances. Sometimes the things we get angry about happen specifically for our benefit, but we can’t see it. This is the real meaning of ‘Turn the other cheek’ – allow life to happen, stay centred, look for the benefit, and know that everything that happens, happens for you.

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter @David_L_Preston

How To Books, 2007

[1] In the composite of sayings known as the Sermon on the Mount, Matthew 5 38-39.

[2] Proverbs 24:29

Most of us think we know what makes us happy, but do we?

Posted on April 17, 2016 by David Lawrence Preston

I spotted a competition in a newspaper recently. ‘Change your life forever!’ it announced in huge letters. ‘Win a new home, a car, a dream holiday, £20,000 a year for life to help you maintain your new, luxurious lifestyle, and enjoy VIP treatment from celebrity experts.’ Well, obviously if you won this handsome prize your life would be different, but would you be any happier?

History suggests you would not. Possibly you would feel better for a few months, but more likely the effects would be temporary. It would still be you with these things. If you were unhappy before, happiness would still elude you.

We seek happiness by pandering to the senses, but if we knew what really made us happy, we would crave very little. Why? Because happiness cannot be earned, owned, travelled to, worn or consumed. It is the experience of living every moment with love, style, and gratitude. And it comes not from external things, but from within. Research shows that happiness is largely influenced by non-physical factors such as our values, attitudes and beliefs. For example:

Across all cultures, people who have a happy marriage, spend time with their families, enjoy caring friendships, a varied and rewarding social life and worthwhile goals which are enjoyable to pursue tend to be happier than average.

People only grow happier as they get richer if they start below the poverty line. Lottery winners, for instance, are no happier than the rest of us, and despite the massive increase in wealth in developed countries in the last fifty years, levels of happiness have not increased.

Age, gender, wealth, education, nationality and race are unrelated to happiness.

Spiritually inclined people are generally happier because they have a sense of meaning that brings hope, purpose and optimism, all of which are closely linked to happiness. Once, this would have surprised me since my religious programming taught me that life is suffering. But I now know that suffering is not inherent to life. We bring suffering upon ourselves through ignorance. We let our ego control our behavior and we flout the spiritual laws – Cause and Effect and Attraction. When we let go of unhealthy desires, accept ourselves and other people, and stop resisting ‘what is’, we allow life to flow.

Take responsibility for your happiness

We gain a wonderful sense of freedom when we understand that it is not events and circumstances that determine our happiness. We have no control over what others think, say or do, and if we cannot rely on these for our happiness. As the philosopher Epictetus said, ‘There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of your will.’

Happiness comes from inside. Wherever you go, you take yourself with you. If you are unhappy with yourself, you will be unhappy with what you do, where you are, who you’re with, what you achieve or what you have – with life, in fact.

Happiness is an attitude

Abraham Lincoln famously remarked that, ‘Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.’

Broadcaster Hugh Downs, concurred. ‘A happy person is not a person with a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.’

Attitudes are spectacles through which we see the world. A person with happy attitudes sees things which justify their happiness; an unhappy person sees mainly things that justify their unhappiness. Bad things happen to everybody, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be happy. It’s dwelling on the negative that wrecks lives.

Western culture spreads unhelpful beliefs about happiness. We are taught that it has to be earned, paid for and deserved, otherwise we are expecting something for nothing. Not so! Happiness is our birthright and is available to all. Claim it! This is not a selfish attitude. If you don’t have happiness, how can you share it? And how can you make anyone else happy by being miserable?

Happiness is a journey, not a destination

There’s an Eastern proverb, ‘There is no way to happiness; happiness is the way.’ It reminds us to treasure every moment.

If you believe that your happiness depends on getting somewhere, you’re mistaken. When you arrive at your destination, you find that the elation soon wears off and you’re no happier than before. Why? Because achieving your goals takes place in the future, but happiness can only exist in the present.

Take pleasure from achieving your goals, but don’t allow your happiness to depend on achieving them. Instead, enjoy the process. If you succeed – great! If you don’t, you’ve had fun trying, grown as a person and probably done some good along the way.

Some things I’ve learned about happiness

Happiness is not an absence of problems; it is faith in our ability to deal with them. Problems are part of life. Every problem has something to teach us. If you’re waiting for all your problems to be solved or hoping for a life without problems, you’ll wait in vain. Part of happiness is enjoying challenges, overcoming difficulties and learning from the process.

Don’t confuse happiness with fun. Sure, happy people have lots of fun, but happiness and fun are not the same. Happiness is a lasting and stable state of being, while fun is transitory. Fun pastimes bring pleasure for a while, but the effect wears off once the activity ends. To be happy, we don’t need everything to be fun. It’s necessary to experience tedium from time to time. I’ve laboured in factories, lifted heavy bags of stinking manure from a leaky barn onto a lorry, done mind-numbing office work and sold household products door to door. All these jobs were unpleasant but I knew they were just stepping stones.

Many people are drawn into fun activities like getting drunk, eating, drugs and sex, only to find that they merely distract them from their problems and in the long term make matters worse. Instead, focus the mind and lay down the right causes. This is the way to find enduring happiness.

Count your blessings. Look for the blessings in everything; there always are some. You may not be able to see the bigger picture, but behind the appearances all is in order. The world is a beautiful and bounteous place. Be grateful for it all.

Be cheerful. Happiness is infectious; cheerfulness attracts happy people. Be cheerful even if you’re not feeling 100% inside. Why let your physical or emotional state spoil someone else’s day?

Smile a lot. Look for the funny side in every situation. Don’t take yourself so seriously.

Laugh loud and often. Laughter is good for you. It can help deal with many things including depression and stress. It stimulates the organs as you take in more oxygen, and leaves you with a pleasantly relaxed feeling.

Buy yourself a Laughing Buddha. The Laughing Buddha is a wandering monk who symbolises happiness and smiles knowingly at the absurdity of human behaviour. According to legend, if you rub his pot belly, you will have prosperity and good luck. The Laughing Buddha reminds us that life not to be taken too seriously. Play well, but remember that much of our behaviour is a game in the wider scheme of things.

Music and song. Some music has an uplifting quality, and some (e.g. heavy metal, gangster rap, electro-disco beats etc.) has been shown to weaken the body’s immune system and bring on depression. So choose what you listen to carefully. Singing and chanting are also good for you.

The Inner Smile – not a movement of the lips, but an attitude. Imagine your whole body smiling and project the smile into the world around you. The Inner Smile dissolves inner blockages, invigorates, and enhances your ability to love and be happy. Start by relaxing your forehead and imagining your brow chakra open and smiling. Let the smile spread into your eyes, down the entire length of your body, and into your internal organs. Then let it radiate into your aura.

The ancient Masters of India and China taught special meditative techniques to enhance the Inner Smile. It is said that the enlightened Masters had incredible smiles which came from within and affected everyone in their presence.

Stop making comparisons. Commercial interests have a great deal to gain by making us feel dissatisfied. They encourage us to compare ourselves with others knowing that only an unsatisfied need motivates. Advertisers skilfully encourage us to want what others have

Happiness, though, has nothing to do with one’s appearance, wealth, achievements, possessions and so on, so why compare? What’s the point of weighing one set of delusions against another? Dropping comparisons from your thinking and speaking is guaranteed to increase your happiness and wellbeing.

Let happiness come to you. Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote, ‘Happiness is a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you sit down quietly, may alight on you.’

Happiness is an attitude, a state of consciousness. Have you ever tried chasing an attitude? When we discover what makes us unhappy, stop doing those things and endeavour to act in harmony with Universal Law, happiness comes and gently sits on our shoulder.

Before he came to power, British Prime Minister David Cameron suggested that in the not too distant future, governments will be judged on how they contribute to the happiness of their electorate!* Now there’s a thought!

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter @David_L_Preston

How To Books, 2004

*These fine sentiments evaporated, though, once he came to power!